Summary of Undefended Love by Jett Psaris and Marlena S. Lyons
Chapter 1: A Flame in Our Hearts – The Longing for Intimacy
The book opens by examining our deep longing for true intimacy and why it so often goes unfulfilled. The authors argue that intimacy is more than physical closeness, sex, or sharing secrets – it is a state of being in which we connect from our “innermost and essential” self. Many couples mistakenly assume specific behaviors (like having sex or spending quality time) will automatically create intimacy, yet one encounter can feel profound while another feels flat. Psaris and Lyons note that intimacy isn’t guaranteed by the act itself because what makes an experience intimate is the depth of presence and authenticity we bring to it, not the behavior alone. True intimacy arises when we drop our usual social roles and defenses and reveal a deeper part of ourselves in connection with another.
The chapter highlights a central dilemma in relationships: we are taught that finding the “right” partner and loving enough should lead to lasting passion and security, yet in reality even loving couples often hit feelings of boredom, flatness, or disconnection. When this happens, people tend to think something is wrong with the relationship or partner. Psaris and Lyons use the example of Jean and Greg, a once-enamored couple who after a few years of marriage found their spark gone and considered separation. Their story illustrates how simply having compatibility and love isn’t sufficient to sustain intimacy if deeper issues remain unaddressed. According to the authors, the conflicts and dissatisfactions that arise are not signs of failure but “good medicine” – opportunities calling us to grow. Instead of blaming each other, partners are encouraged to ask what unmet part of themselves is being revealed. As one passage puts it: “When we experience conflict or dissatisfaction in our relationships, we are being called on to develop something in ourselves that is weak, hidden, or unknown.”
Ultimately, Chapter 1 introduces the book’s core premise: only an undefended heart can sustain genuine intimacy. We begin to fulfill our longing for love when we are willing to drop our emotional armor. The authors stress that dissolving our self-protective barriers is the first task on the journey toward the passionate and lasting connection we seek. In those rare moments when two people meet “heart-to-heart” without defenses, we experience a profound aliveness and feeling of being fully seen and loved. Undefended Love, as the title suggests, requires tremendous courage – a willingness to remain emotionally open and vulnerable even when we fear rejection. Yet the reward is the “exhilarated and awake” feeling of true intimacy that far surpasses the fleeting closeness most couples know. This chapter sets the stage for the rest of the book by inviting readers to view relationship struggles not as failures, but as a call to open our hearts more deeply and discover our true selves through love.
Chapter 2: The Essential Self – The Heart of Who We Are
In Chapter 2, the authors shift focus to the “essential self,” which is the core of our being that lies beneath personality and defenses. They explain that the word intimacy originates from the Latin intimus, meaning one’s innermost nature. Undefended love is only possible when we connect from this core essence of who we are. The chapter describes our essence as our “inherent, unchanging nature” – the fundamental qualities that define our true self. This essential self is compared to the pure nectar of a fruit or the light inside each star: a concentrated, unique expression of the universal human spirit. By contrast, our everyday persona – the roles, habits, and defenses we accumulate through life – often obscures that essence. Many people live mostly identified with this conditioned personality, unaware of the “world of riches” within them.
Psaris and Lyons emphasize that we have all glimpsed our essential self during peak moments when we feel most “awake, energized, open, and connected.” They give examples of such moments, which often arise spontaneously or in profound life events. These include:
Falling in love, when the heart opens and our joyful essence shines through;
Immersive experiences in nature, where awe and beauty dissolve our ego boundaries;
Feeling deeply valued or appreciating someone fully, which can reveal our innate goodness;
Being present for a birth or a final good-bye at death, moments that strip away trivial concerns and connect us to what truly matters.
In these situations, we temporarily experience life undefended, and the authors note that we often misattribute the intense feeling to the external event or person. In truth, those situations simply evoked what was already inside us – the love, vitality, and openness of our own essence. The task, then, is learning to access that state more intentionally rather than by accident.
The chapter also provides a vivid case study of Cheryl and David to demonstrate how accessing essence can transform conflict. In a couples’ workshop, Cheryl practices dropping through layers of her experience – from anxious thoughts (“I’m not lovable, he doesn’t care”) to the raw emotions beneath, then into the bodily sensations of those feelings. By breathing and allowing those sensations, she eventually reaches a subtle realm of warmth and “inner light” – essentially touching her core essence of peace and worthiness. Once Cheryl shifted into this undefended state, her husband David’s anger lost its power; he found his own defensiveness “drained out” and could no longer hold onto his rage. This example shows the ripple effect of one partner connecting to essence: their authentic openness invites a similar softening in the other. The closer we get to our “radiant center,” the more love and compassion naturally flow, neutralizing conflict.
Furthermore, the authors distinguish between essential nature and essential self. We all share the same essential nature – an impersonal, timeless ground of being (likened to an all-pervasive light) – yet each person has an essential self that is a unique flavor or expression of that nature (the individual star shining with a particular light). In practical terms, this means that as we peel away defenses, we don’t become identical enlightened beings; rather, we become fully ourselves, showing up with the one-of-a-kind qualities that only we can bring into the world. The chapter invites readers to start sensing these qualities of essence in their life. By tuning in to subtle experiences – beyond just thoughts and feelings – we can begin to recognize the felt sense of our true self. Connecting with our essence is presented as the heart of intimacy because when two people relate from their core selves, their love is deeply genuine and “unrehearsed”. Chapter 2 thus lays a spiritual-psychological foundation: knowing who we really are is crucial to loving undefended, and the journey inward is what enables a richer connection outward.
Chapter 3: Who Do You Think You Are?
Chapter 3 invites readers to examine the constructed self or identity they have built over time, and how it interferes with intimacy. The provocative question “Who do you think you are?” hints that much of what we consider “me” is actually a collection of defenses, roles, and stories developed to protect our vulnerability. Psaris and Lyons explain that in response to past pains or fears, we all adopt deeply ingrained defensive patterns. These patterns originate early in life – for example, a child who felt criticized might learn to shut down emotionally at the first sign of conflict, or one who felt insecure might habitually seek approval. Over the years, such coping mechanisms solidify into parts of our personality (our “false self”). By adulthood, they operate automatically, shielding our core self but also blocking authentic connection. This chapter’s key insight is that the persona we think we are (with all its likes, dislikes, and reactions) is often a protective façade. To find our true self and love fully, we must become aware of these defenses and gently dismantle them.
The authors encourage introspection and honesty as first steps. Identifying one’s habitual defensive moves – whether it’s withdrawing, lashing out in anger, people-pleasing, or joking away serious feelings – is crucial. Psaris and Lyons likely provide guided self-inquiry questions in this chapter to help readers pinpoint their triggers and the underlying fears. For instance, one might ask: “When I feel hurt or criticized, what story do I start telling about myself or my partner? How do I typically react?” By shining a light on these automatic reactions, individuals can begin to break the cycle of defensiveness. The authors emphasize that breaking out of old patterns requires conscious practice. One strategy they discuss is cultivating mindfulness: staying present with one’s thoughts and emotions in the moment without immediately reacting. This creates a pause during triggers, a chance to choose a different response instead of the knee-jerk defensive one. Another important strategy is developing self-compassion and patience with oneself during this change process. Because our defensive habits are deeply rooted, we will slip up; treating ourselves kindly (rather than with self-criticism) keeps us motivated to continue growing instead of giving up in discouragement.
Chapter 3 likely includes relatable examples of individuals or couples discovering their defensive cycles. By seeing these patterns and their origins, the “ah-ha” is that many conflicts aren’t about present circumstances as much as old wounds being replayed. The authors encourage readers to shift from blaming a partner to asking, “What is this reaction telling me about myself?” One quoted principle is that when things go wrong, instead of focusing on our partner’s faults, we should look at “what it is within ourselves that is contributing to the conflict and calling to be healed.” In other words, our emotional reactions can point to parts of us that need attention. By owning our projections and wounds in this way, we stop the endless loop of defensiveness that keeps people apart.
In summary, Chapter 3 teaches that awareness is the antidote to defensiveness. Who we “think we are” – our identity invested in being right, in control, or not getting hurt – is the very thing we must risk letting go. The authors reassure that as we gradually dismantle these defenses, our essential self has room to emerge. This chapter sets the stage for practicing new ways of relating, since one must first recognize and interrupt defensive patterns in order to replace them with more open, authentic behaviors.
Chapter 4: Beginning the Journey to Undefended Loving
Having uncovered our defensive patterns, Chapter 4 focuses on how to actively practice open, authentic relating – essentially, how to love in an undefended way. The authors outline core principles and communication skills that help cultivate genuine connection. At the heart of this chapter is the idea of “authentic relating” – engaging with your partner (or others) without masks or manipulation. Psaris and Lyons likely stress that authenticity requires both honest self-expression and empathetic listening. They encourage couples to create a safe space where both people can reveal their true feelings and thoughts, even if it’s uncomfortable. This involves a conscious commitment to truth over comfort.
Key practices for authentic, undefended communication include:
Transparency: Being open and truthful about your feelings, needs, and fears. Rather than saying what you think your partner wants to hear, you share your reality respectfully. This honesty – even about difficult topics – is what builds real understanding. Hiding or sugar-coating the truth only maintains a false peace, whereas transparency fosters trust. For example, admitting “I felt hurt when you cancelled our plans” is vulnerable but invites resolution, whereas staying silent or making a sarcastic remark would be a defensive approach.
Deep Listening: Truly hearing your partner without jumping to conclusions or formulating a rebuttal. This means giving your full attention, noticing tone and body language, and reflecting back what you heard to ensure understanding. Deep listening creates an atmosphere where each person feels heard and valued. When someone feels genuinely listened to, their defenses drop. The book suggests practices like taking turns speaking and paraphrasing your partner’s words to verify you got it right, which prevents miscommunication and shows respect.
Vulnerable Expression: Courageously sharing your tender emotions and insecurities instead of defaulting to anger or indifference. Undefended love calls for sharing from the heart – saying “I miss you and I’m afraid you don’t find me attractive anymore,” for instance, rather than masking that fear with criticism or withdrawal. Psaris and Lyons note that expressing vulnerability (sadness, fear, longing, etc.) is not weakness but a pathway to deeper intimacy. It invites your partner to empathize rather than defend. This principle echoes the earlier lesson that our willingness to be seen “naked” emotionally is what creates true intimacy.
Empathy and Compassion: Responding to your partner’s vulnerability with understanding and care. Instead of meeting a complaint with defensiveness, undefended loving would have you imagine what your partner feels and respond kindly. The authors likely encourage cultivating compassion by remembering that your partner’s hurt or anger often masks deeper pain. By staying open-hearted – for example saying “I’m sorry you felt that way; I never wanted to hurt you” – you reinforce safety in the relationship. Empathy doesn’t mean you agree with everything, but that you genuinely strive to understand the other’s perspective. This mutual compassion helps both partners drop their guard.
Practically, Chapter 4 may introduce exercises to build these skills. One such exercise could be a daily or weekly “check-in” where each partner takes a few minutes to share whatever is on their heart while the other listens without interrupting. This routine practice of undistracted sharing and listening can strengthen the habit of openness. Another exercise might involve “empathic reflection,” where Partner A shares a feeling and Partner B responds by paraphrasing (“What I hear you saying is…”) and validating that emotion. This ensures both understand each other correctly and feel validated. By doing these structured practices, couples start to experience how truth and vulnerability actually bring them closer rather than causing conflict.
In summary, Chapter 4 serves as a toolkit for conscious communication. Beginning the journey to undefended love means actively choosing new ways of interacting: speaking your truth with kindness, listening with your whole presence, and staying emotionally available. The authors underscore that these are skills one develops – often challenging at first – but they become more natural with practice. As partners embrace authenticity and empathy, they lay a strong foundation for the transformative work in subsequent chapters.
Chapter 5: Yearning for Closeness with Another
This chapter delves into how our past wounds and insecurities affect our ability to connect with a partner, and how healing those personal issues paves the way for deeper closeness. The title “Yearning for Closeness with Another” reflects the common human desire to be deeply bonded, while acknowledging that unresolved personal history can sabotage that closeness. Psaris and Lyons emphasize that the conflicts arising in relationships often stem from old emotional injuries. In order to truly unite with someone now, we must address the “baggage” we carry from yesterday.
The authors likely discuss how experiences from childhood or previous relationships form emotional scars and beliefs – for example, abandonment issues from an absent parent, or trust issues from a betrayal. These past traumas create defensive reflexes (as discussed in Chapter 3) that cause us to pull back or lash out just when intimacy is possible. The key point is that unhealed wounds will continue to surface in our current relationship until we tend to them. Rather than viewing this as a problem, the authors reframe it as an opportunity: our intimate relationships can become a crucible for healing. The very yearning for closeness is, in part, a yearning to heal those wounded parts of ourselves in the presence of a loving other.
To move forward, Chapter 5 encourages actively engaging in inner healing work. The authors recommend tools such as therapy or counseling, where a safe space is provided to unpack one’s past and gain insight. They also mention practices like journaling (writing about feelings and memories to find patterns and release emotion) and mindfulness meditation (to stay present with painful feelings without being overwhelmed). These methods help individuals face their old pain rather than avoid it. A particularly important theme is forgiveness – both of others and oneself. Psaris and Lyons highlight that holding onto past anger or resentment keeps us emotionally stuck. Forgiving someone who hurt us (or forgiving ourselves for mistakes) is not about condoning the harm, but about freeing our own heart from the grip of that hurt. Forgiveness allows us to no longer project past wrongs onto our current partner. By releasing grievances, we create space for new positive experiences.
Another crucial element discussed is self-compassion. Many people carry an inner critic that constantly judges themselves (“I’m not good enough,” “I’m broken because of what happened”). This harsh self-talk is often an echo of past shame or trauma. Undefended love requires replacing that inner critic with a gentler voice. The authors encourage treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer to a dear friend. By practicing self-compassion, you build an inner sense of security – essentially becoming the loving witness to your own pain. This diminishes the fear that your partner will reject or abandon you if they see your wounded places. When you can tell yourself “I see your pain and you’re still worthy of love,” it’s much easier to believe a partner’s love too.
Throughout Chapter 5, Psaris and Lyons likely share stories of individuals who confronted their past wounds and emerged more available for connection. For example, a person who was always jealous and controlling in relationships might discover through inner work that they have a deep fear of abandonment from childhood. By healing that old wound – perhaps grieving it and forgiving a parent – they can gradually stop reacting to every small threat as if it were the same old hurt. This newfound freedom lets them approach their partner with more trust and calm. The authors underscore that healing is an ongoing journey, not a one-time event. However, every bit of healing directly expands one’s capacity for intimacy. As we heal old wounds, our “neediness” or defensiveness in relationships diminishes, and we become capable of loving from wholeness rather than emptiness.
In essence, Chapter 5 teaches that to fulfill our yearning for closeness, we must turn inward and mend the inner fractures that block love. By doing our personal healing work – acknowledging trauma, practicing forgiveness, and nurturing ourselves – we remove the obstacles that once kept others at a distance. This work allows the natural desire for closeness to be met with an open heart, rather than with fear or self-sabotage. The chapter ends on a hopeful note that addressing these deep issues is challenging but immensely rewarding: it not only enriches the current relationship, but also leads to profound personal growth and self-discovery.
Chapter 6: Yearning for Connection with Ourselves
While the previous chapter focused on healing the past, Chapter 6 turns to the importance of building an inner foundation of trust and security in the present. “Yearning for Connection with Ourselves” suggests that true intimacy with another requires being deeply connected to oneself. Psaris and Lyons assert that without self-connection and self-trust, vulnerability with others feels unsafe. Thus, this chapter explores how to cultivate trust – both trust in oneself and trust within the relationship – so that an undefended, open bond can flourish.
Trust is described as the bedrock of undefended love. To love with an open heart, one must believe at a basic level that they are safe and that their partner is reliable. The authors likely discuss trust on two levels: internal self-trust(confidence in one’s own worth and emotions) and interpersonal trust (confidence in your partner’s integrity and care). These two reinforce each other. For example, as you trust your own ability to handle emotions or setbacks, you can risk being more open with your partner; similarly, experiencing your partner as trustworthy deepens your self-trust that you will be okay in the relationship.
Building this foundation requires consistent effort and honest behaviors. Psaris and Lyons outline several practical ways to cultivate trust and security in a relationship:
Consistent Communication: Make it a habit to check in and share feelings regularly, rather than bottling things up. When partners communicate openly about both small daily happenings and larger concerns, it prevents the buildup of doubt. Regular dialogue – even about uncomfortable topics – sends the message that nothing needs to be hidden. This consistency helps both individuals feel secure that issues will be addressed, not swept under the rug.
Active Listening: Truly hearing each other (as emphasized in Chapter 4) builds trust because it shows that you care about your partner’s inner world. By listening without judgment or interruption, you demonstrate respect. When someone feels heard, they are more likely to trust that they matter to you. Practicing active listening in conflicts is especially important – it shows that even when upset, you still value your partner’s perspective.
Transparency: Being forthcoming with information and feelings. This means no significant secrets or lies, since secrecy erodes trust. If you’ve made a mistake or have a change of heart, sharing it proactively (instead of your partner discovering it later) maintains the sense that you are on the same team. Transparency is basically honesty in action – even little acts like texting if you’ll be late or discussing finances openly contribute to a climate of trust.
Reliability: Do what you say you will do. Following through on promises, keeping appointments, and generally being dependable gives your partner tangible evidence that they can count on you. Each kept agreement is like a brick in the foundation of security. Conversely, repeated cancellations, broken promises, or unpredictable behavior chip away at trust. The authors likely advise being mindful of the commitments you make and your consistency in meeting them.
Constructive Conflict Resolution: How couples handle disagreements greatly impacts trust. Chapter 6 probably echoes earlier guidance to avoid defensive reactions. Instead, approach conflicts with respect and a problem-solving mindset rather than blame. When partners can argue or confront issues without attacking each other’s character – and then reach resolution or compromise – it reinforces trust. It shows that even when you clash, the relationship remains a safe space. Respectful conflict resolution might involve taking cool-down breaks, using “I” statements, and expressing grievances without dredging up old issues. Successfully navigating conflicts proves that the relationship can withstand challenges without betrayal or abandonment, thus deepening security.
Empathy and Forgiveness: Cultivating empathy (trying to feel what the other feels) strengthens trust because it reassures each person that their feelings will be met with care, not judgment. When mistakes or hurts occur, being willing to forgive is crucial. Holding grudges maintains a wall of suspicion, whereas forgiveness (when appropriate) signals that you prioritize the relationship’s future over past wounds. The authors highlight that forgiving your partner’s missteps – and likewise forgiving yourself – allows trust to be rebuilt and prevents resentment from poisoning the bond. Empathy and forgiveness together create an atmosphere of emotional safety, where both people know that moments of imperfection won’t permanently destroy the connection.
By implementing these practices, couples satisfy that yearning for safety within themselves and the relationship. Notably, the chapter might also touch on trusting oneself – meaning trusting your own intuition and feelings. As you keep your own word (even small promises like a self-care routine) and listen to your needs, you develop self-trust. That self-trust translates into less fear in relationship; you know that no matter what, you have your own back and can handle challenges.
In conclusion, Chapter 6 shows that vulnerability thrives on a foundation of trust. We connect most freely with others when we feel secure. By being honest, consistent, and empathetic, partners actively build a solid base where both feel “held.” The result is a relationship environment where undefended love can blossom – each person feels safe enough to continue opening their heart, knowing it will be met with care and integrity.
Chapter 7: Moving Beyond the Impulse to React
Chapter 7 tackles the common destructive pattern of reactivity in relationships – those split-second emotional reactions (anger, defensiveness, withdrawal) that can derail communication – and it teaches how to move beyond reactive impulses to respond with love instead. The title “Moving Beyond the Impulse to React” highlights learning to pause and choose a different path when triggered, rather than running on autopilot. This chapter is often cited by readers as life-changing, as it deals with loving unconditionally even in conflict.
Psaris and Lyons begin by explaining why we react: when something touches a nerve – say our partner uses a certain tone or forgets something important – our knee-jerk response is usually driven by the defensive patterns discussed earlier (the conditioned self protecting its wounds or pride). The “impulse to react” is essentially our fear or hurt launching into blame, criticism, or shutting down without conscious thought. These reactions are understandable but they close our heart and often provoke counter-reactions, leading to a cycle of conflict. The authors assert that breaking this cycle is essential for undefended love. As long as we keep reflexively guarding or attacking, true intimacy stalls.
The core practice introduced is taking responsibility for our own reactions. This means recognizing that my emotional reaction is mine – it might have been triggered by my partner’s behavior, but it originates in my feelings and interpretations. Therefore, I can choose to work with it. Psaris and Lyons urge readers to shift from the mindset “You made me feel this way” to “I am feeling this way; what is this really about for me?” By owning our reactions, we stop blaming our partner as the sole cause. One reviewer summarized this lesson: the authors show “why you need to take responsibility for your reactions to your partner whether or not their behavior is a problem in itself”. In other words, even if your partner truly did something hurtful, your response is still your choice and reflects your own growth edge.
To move beyond reacting, the chapter likely offers concrete techniques. One key technique is the pause – literally stopping oneself at the moment of trigger. This might involve taking a few slow breaths, counting to ten, or even agreeing on a timeout signal with your partner. In that pause, you give your rational and compassionate mind a chance to come back online, instead of being hijacked by fight-or-flight. The authors also suggest self-inquiry in the moment: asking silently, “What am I really feeling right now? What do I need?” This helps peel away the reactive anger to perhaps find that underneath you feel hurt or afraid.
Another strategy is practicing unconditional love in the face of upset. This does not mean accepting mistreatment or ignoring problems; rather, it means keeping your heart open to your partner even when you’re angry or disappointed. For example, instead of yelling or stonewalling, you might say, “I’m really upset right now, but I know I still care about you. I need a moment to calm down.” This kind of response acknowledges the reaction without acting it out destructively. It requires vulnerability (admitting you’re upset) and commitment to love (affirming you care, despite the anger). The chapter likely includes guided exercises or role-plays where couples practice responding with empathy or curiosity instead of their usual reactions.
Psaris and Lyons also address the mental shift needed: seeing your partner as an ally, not an enemy, even during conflict. If you view a disagreement as two people on the same side trying to understand a problem (rather than trying to win), it’s easier to respond constructively. They encourage cultivating an attitude of “What is my partner really trying to communicate, and how can I hear it without taking offense?” By attributing positive (or at least neutral) intent to each other, partners can react less defensively. For instance, instead of snapping back at a frustrated remark, an undefended response might be, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated – can you tell me what’s bothering you?” This kind of non-reactive question opens dialogue.
The impact of mastering this skill is profound. The chapter shares perhaps the testimonial of a reader who applied these lessons and “saved their marriage – not only saved it, but improved it 100%”. When even one partner stops reflexively reacting and instead stays present and loving, it can de-escalate fights dramatically (as seen earlier with Cheryl and David). Over time, both people feel safer and more trusting that conflicts won’t destroy the relationship, which, paradoxically, reduces the frequency and intensity of conflicts.
In summary, Chapter 7 teaches that freedom in love comes from breaking free of automatic reactivity. By pausing, owning our emotions, and choosing to respond with openness, we interrupt the old patterns that cause so much pain. This is essentially the practice of emotional self-mastery in service of love. It requires courage and repetition, but each time we succeed in not reacting defensively, we strengthen our “muscle” of undefended loving. The authors reassure that as partners learn to navigate triggers in this more conscious way, their relationship becomes a safe harbor where even storms can be weathered with grace and deeper understanding.
Chapter 8: Relaxing the Need to Have Our Needs Met
Chapter 8 confronts a subtle but powerful shift on the path to undefended love: letting go of the rigid demand that our partner meet all our emotional needs. Titled “Relaxing the Need to Have Our Needs Met,” this chapter challenges the common expectation that a loving relationship means “you complete me” or that our partner should always soothe our insecurities. Psaris and Lyons suggest that clinging to this expectation actually fuels disappointment and conflict. The paradox they present is that by relaxing our insistence on having our needs filled by the other, we actually open the door to a more genuine, unpressured loving connection in which many needs are met, freely and naturally.
The authors begin by acknowledging that everyone has legitimate emotional needs – for affection, validation, respect, attention, etc. However, problems arise when we approach our relationship with an unconscious attitude of entitlement or desperation about these needs. For example, one might feel, “I need you to always reassure me that I’m attractive, otherwise I can’t feel secure,” or “If you loved me, you would automatically know and provide what I want.” These beliefs put heavy pressure on the partner and set the stage for chronic dissatisfaction (since no one can perfectly meet another’s needs at all times). In a defended state, when our needs aren’t immediately met, we might react with anger, guilt-tripping, or withdrawal – all of which erode intimacy.
In an undefended relationship, by contrast, each individual learns to take responsibility for their own needs and not make the partner solely accountable for their happiness. Chapter 8 guides readers in shifting from dependency to maturity. This doesn’t mean denying your needs or becoming detached; rather, it means acknowledging your desires openly without demand or expectation. The authors encourage expressing needs as preferences or requests, not ultimatums. For instance, instead of “You never pay attention to me in the evenings, you need to do better,” an undefended approach might be: “I realize I’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately and I’d love if we could spend some quiet time together this week.” The tone is one of sharing and inviting, rather than criticizing or commanding.
A crucial insight of this chapter is that excessive neediness often stems from a lack of self-validation. If I don’t value or soothe myself internally, I will desperately seek those assurances from my partner, almost like a child to a parent. Psaris and Lyons explain that learning to self-soothe and self-validate is a key step. This involves building a kind of inner reservoir of love: reminding oneself of one’s own worth, finding healthy ways to comfort oneself when upset (through friends, hobbies, spiritual practice, etc.), and not relying on a partner to “fix” one’s emotions. When each person in a relationship can calm and affirm themselves, then coming together is a bonus – two whole individuals sharing love – rather than two half-empty cups trying to get filled by the other. As one review noted, the authors teach “the importance of knowing yourself and validating yourself, rather than seeking to get that from your partner.”
The chapter likely provides exercises for distinguishing needs vs. wants vs. demands. One exercise might be journaling about a conflict and honestly asking: “What did I demand from my partner here? Was I treating a want as a ‘need’ for me to be okay?” The authors might also have readers practice giving themselves what they were seeking – for example, if you felt neglected, do something nurturing for yourself or literally tell yourself, “Your feelings matter; you are loved,” as you would reassure a friend. This builds the muscle of self-care.
Interestingly, by reducing the need pressure in the relationship, partners often find they can respond more freely and lovingly to each other. When one is not coming from a place of inner starvation, any affection or support from the partner feels like a generous gift rather than never enough. The relationship shifts from a dynamic of mutual caretaking (or score-keeping: “I did this for you, now you do this for me”) to one of mutual giving. Each offers care from a full heart, not from obligation or to calm anxiety. Psaris and Lyons likely reassure readers that it’s fine to have needs and to ask for support – undefended love is not about being entirely independent or aloof. It’s about releasing the fear-driven grip on those needs. You can say “I’d really appreciate a hug right now” without the subtext of “because I’ll fall apart if you don’t hug me.” This relaxed request is more likely to be met with love, whereas a panicked demand often results in resistance.
In summary, Chapter 8 teaches the art of holding your needs lightly. By developing self-support and dropping unrealistic expectations, partners stop seeing each other as providers or obstacles to their needs. Instead, they can meet each other as equals and freely exchange love and care. The counterintuitive lesson is that when you no longer demand that your partner meet your needs, both of you actually feel less burdened and more willing to give – leading to a healthier, more abundant flow of love within the relationship.
Chapter 9: What Do You Want – Finally?
By Chapter 9, the reader has peeled back many layers of false self, defenses, and old expectations. “What Do You Want—Finally?” asks a profound question: after all the conditioning and ego needs are set aside, what is your heart’s true desire? This chapter is about gaining clarity on one’s authentic wants in life and love, once the noise of fear and social expectation quiets down. It invites readers to consider that their deepest longings may be different – and far more meaningful – than the surface wants they started with.
Psaris and Lyons suggest that through the undefended love journey, people often discover that what they thought they wanted (e.g. a perfect romantic fairy tale, constant harmony, or a partner who fulfills a checklist) was a projection of their conditioned self. As those defenses dissolve, a more fundamental desire emerges. For many, this ultimate want is simply to love and be loved as one’s true self. It may sound obvious, but achieving clarity on this can be powerful. If, for example, you realize, “Finally, what I want is to know myself fully and share that honestly with someone, and to support them in doing the same,” it reframes your whole approach to the relationship. You no longer chase superficial goals or try to force your partner to fit an image; instead, you prioritize authenticity and mutual growth.
This chapter likely helps readers differentiate between ego-driven wants and essential desires. An ego want might be “I want my partner to always agree with me so I feel validated,” whereas an essential desire might be “I want a relationship where we can respectfully be ourselves, even if we disagree.” The authors encourage reflecting on what one ultimately values and seeks. Some might find their deepest want is emotional freedom, or spiritual connection, or a sense of partnership in personal evolution. The title’s phrasing “What do you want – finally?” implies that after all the earlier work of shedding defenses and false needs, now we can ask this question with fresh eyes and discover a more sincere answer.
To reach this clarity, Psaris and Lyons might suggest an exercise of envisioning your ideal relationship or life, not from a place of fantasy or fear, but from your soul’s perspective. They could prompt questions like: “If you had no fear of judgment or loss, what kind of love would you choose to create? What qualities of experience matter most to you?” Some might realize they want passion and adventure, others peace and stability, others continuous growth and learningwith their partner. There is no right answer except what is true for you. The authors likely emphasize that knowing your true desires guides you to live and love more intentionally.
Chapter 9 also addresses aligning one’s actions with these deeper desires. It’s not enough to intellectually know what you want; you must start embodying it. If one’s ultimate want is authenticity, then one must commit to honest communication consistently. If it’s a profound spiritual bond, one might introduce joint meditation or explore shared meaningful practices with the partner. Essentially, this chapter motivates readers to live their values in the relationship. It might be the point where the couple (or individual) creates a sort of conscious intention or vision for their partnership going forward. For example, a couple might openly declare: “Our intention is to support each other’s growth and to practice kindness even when it’s hard.” By articulating this, they create a guiding light for future choices.
Importantly, “What do you want, finally?” can also be read on a personal level beyond the relationship. The inner work of undefended love often awakens people to their broader life desires – career changes, creative passions, lifestyle shifts – because as they release fear and old conditioning, they get in touch with their authentic self’s aspirations. Psaris and Lyons might share anecdotes of individuals who, through this process, realized they wanted to pursue a long-suppressed dream or set a healthier life boundary. The chapter gently reminds us that an undefended heart will seek an authentic life, not just an authentic relationship.
In summary, Chapter 9 is about clarity of purpose and desire. After doing the heavy lifting of previous chapters, readers are invited to answer for themselves: What do I really want to experience in love and in life? The “finally” implies that this answer comes from your truest self, not the needy or fearful self from before. By identifying this and perhaps sharing it with your partner, you create alignment. You stop wasting energy on distractions or ego games and devote yourselves to what truly matters. This paves the way for the final chapter, where the focus is on fully realizing an undefended life.
Chapter 10: Dissolving Our Defenses
The final chapter brings everything together as the authors describe the complete liberation that comes from dissolving our remaining defenses. “Dissolving Our Defenses” depicts the endgame of the journey: living with an undefended heart consistently. By this point, readers have learned to be aware of defenses, communicate openly, heal wounds, manage reactivity, and clarify their true desires. Chapter 10 likely shows what it looks like when these practices become a natural way of being and our old ego armor essentially melts away.
Psaris and Lyons reassure that dissolving defenses is a gradual process, often experienced in layers. In earlier chapters we confronted specific patterns; here we aim for a state of being where we habitually choose openness over protection. The authors might revisit the idea from Chapter 1 that intimacy can only occur when the heart is undefended, and show how far we’ve come in making that a reality. At this stage, one might still feel the temptation to put walls up (we’re human, after all), but with awareness and practice, those walls become thinner and more transparent, if they arise at all. A truly undefended person can swiftly recognize a defensive thought or tension in themselves and gently release it, rather than acting on it.
The chapter likely paints an inspiring picture of what a relationship without defenses looks like. Conflict is not absent, but it is met with curiosity and compassion rather than blame. Partners can give and receive love without the constant inner voice of suspicion or neediness. There’s a sense of ease and freedom between them. The authors may share a culminating case study or personal story of a couple who went through this transformative journey – perhaps referencing back to couples like Jean and Greg or others mentioned earlier, showing how they evolved after applying the book’s principles. By dissolving defenses, those couples turned their conflicts into deeper understanding and rekindled the passion that comes from seeing and loving each other’s real selves. They learned that the “walls we think protect us” are actually what “deny us the full experience of connecting with others,” and having dropped those walls, they feel more alive and connected than ever.
A significant part of dissolving defenses is embracing vulnerability as a permanent stance. The authors encourage readers to continue being courageous and keeping the heart open without guarantees. This means accepting that in love (and life) there will be no shortage of uncertainty or potential hurt, but choosing to stay open is the only way to experience the full richness of intimacy. They highlight that an undefended heart is strong, not weak – it takes resilience to remain open, and that resilience grows each time you face a fear and stay present. By now, readers have seen evidence in themselves of this growing strength.
The chapter likely ends with “Closing Thoughts” that could be integrated here, often titled “The Liberation of Undefended Love.” In those final reflections, Psaris and Lyons celebrate the liberation that comes from all this work. An undefended life is described as expansive, joyful, and deeply connected. The benefits ripple out beyond the primary relationship: when you live without fear-based defenses, you become more present in every aspect of life – more authentic in friendships, more passionate in work, more compassionate with the world at large. You realize, as the authors put it, that our defenses – while they once protected a hurt child – are now limiting barriers that keep out the very love and vitality we seek. Dropping them lets us experience life with a newfound freshness and intimacy.
The liberation is also internal: no longer being controlled by old fears or needing constant validation is an immense relief. The closing thoughts likely mention that true emotional freedom is when we no longer need external confirmation of our worth – we know our own basic goodness and can show up fully regardless of others’ reactions. In that state, love is freely given and received without the usual conditions. This is the “powerful joy of truly intimate loving” that the book promised to map a path toward.
In conclusion, Chapter 10 and the closing section affirm that undefended love is both a destination and a lifelong practice. It transforms relationships by turning them into vehicles for growth and deep fulfillment, and it transforms individualsby making them more whole, courageous, and compassionate. The authors likely encourage the reader to continue applying these principles daily and to be patient and loving with themselves in the journey. They might end with a hopeful note that as more individuals and couples embrace undefended love, it creates a ripple effect – healing families, communities, and perhaps even contributing to a more loving world. The liberation of undefended love, then, is not just personal but universal: a shift toward relating with open hearts that has profound implications for all aspects of life.
