Relationship Therapy is like Dance Class

My wife and I take dance lessons together. The goal of every lesson is to dance a little bit better than we did at the beginning of the lesson. When we go to marriage therapy together, the goal is the same:  to dance with each other a little better at the end of the session, than we did at the beginning.  That means that we’re more capable of collaborative conflict, effective communication, and compassionate caring than you were when you walked into your therapist’s office. 

Relationship therapy is so hard that It’s not uncommon for therapists and clients to accept the idea that no progress will be made in many sessions. This is unfortunate, because a relationship therapy session without progress is a session wasted. If you can’t make progress with the help of a trained professional, how can you make progress in between sessions on your own?

I measure my effectiveness as a marriage therapist by how much difference I see in a couple at the end of a session, compared to at the beginning of a session. I want my clients to practice participating in collaborative conflict, revealing their true thoughts and emotions, letting go of defensiveness, and stepping into more compassion, kindness, love and courage. When they do, I point out what they are doing, and I tell them to keep doing it. It’s not easy, but it is definitely possible.