How Couples Counseling Works

Here’s what you can expect in your first couples counseling session:  after a few minutes of state-mandated disclosures, we will dive right into what needs to change in your relationship. You will each tell me what you want to be different, and then we will get to work changing those things. 

A relationship is made up of two people who want to love each other, but don’t necessarily know how to do that. How often did you see your parents confronting each other in a calm, collaborative way when you were growing up? My job as relationship therapist is to figure out who, between the two of you, is more ready to take the first step forward into a new, more collaborative relationship. 

The first thing you will learn is that resilient relationships require more conflict, not less. I’m talking about calm, collaborative conflict, where you tell your partner what you see and what you want in a kind, courageous way. We will practice this kind of confrontation in session, and I will challenge you to put your new skills to work at home. 

We will also look into how your relationship dynamics are influenced by the family you grew up in, and how you related to your parents when you were young. As adults, it’s important to let go of behavioral patterns that served us well when we were young, but aren’t helpful now that we’re grown up. 

In between sessions, I will encourage you to write down conversations you have with each other, and to write down imaginary conversations you would like to have with each other, with your parents, and with other important people in your life. We will also role-play these conversations in session, focusing on improving communication patterns, decreasing anxiety, and improving conflict resolution skills.