Dr. David Schnarch’s Approach to Improving Sexual Relationships

Dr. David Schnarch, a renowned psychologist and sex therapist, spent decades challenging this conventional wisdom on how to improve committed sexual relationships. His approach, outlined in books like "Passionate Marriage" and "Intimacy and Desire," is counterintuitive, often uncomfortable, but profoundly effective. It's the kind of idea that, once you understand it, makes you wonder how you ever thought differently.

The Myth of Sexual Compatibility

The popular narrative goes something like this: You meet someone, you're attracted to each other, you have great sex. As the relationship progresses, you start to experience differences in sexual desire. These differences create tension, arguments, and a sense that something is wrong with the relationship.

The typical advice at this point is to compromise: if one partner wants sex twice a week and the other wants it twice a month, aim for once a week. Problem solved, right?

Wrong, says Schnarch. This approach might create a temporary peace, but it doesn't address the underlying issues. It's like putting a band-aid on a broken bone.

The Real Problem: Emotional Fusion

Schnarch argues that the real issue isn't the difference in desire itself, but how couples handle it. Most people, he says, are emotionally fused with their partners. They depend on their partner for validation, for a sense of self-worth, for emotional regulation. This fusion creates a paradox: the closer you are to someone, the more threatening any difference becomes.

In a fused relationship, a difference in sexual desire isn't just about sex. It becomes a referendum on the relationship itself. If my partner doesn't want sex as often as I do, does that mean they don't love me? Am I not attractive enough? Is our relationship doomed?

This fusion creates a pressure cooker environment where honest communication becomes nearly impossible. Partners walk on eggshells, afraid to express their true desires for fear of hurting or alienating their loved one.

The Solution: Differentiation

Schnarch's proposed solution is differentiation of self: the ability to maintain your sense of self while staying in close connection with a partner. It's about becoming more of who you are, not less.

This might sound simple, but it's incredibly challenging in practice. It requires facing your own insecurities, confronting your fears, and being willing to risk the relationship for the sake of authenticity.

In the context of sexual desire, differentiation might look like this: Instead of compromising on frequency, each partner takes responsibility for their own desire. The higher-desire partner learns to self-soothe when rejected, to find value in themselves outside of sexual validation. The lower-desire partner learns to initiate sex from a place of genuine desire, not obligation.

The Crucible of Intimacy

Schnarch describes committed relationships as a crucible - a container that can withstand intense heat and pressure. The differences in sexual desire, far from being a problem to be solved, are actually the heat that forges stronger individuals and stronger relationships.

This process is not comfortable. It often involves confronting deep-seated issues, childhood traumas, and core insecurities. But it's through this discomfort that real growth occurs.

As partners differentiate, something paradoxical happens: the more separate they become as individuals, the more intimate they can be as a couple. They're no longer dependent on each other for emotional regulation, so they can truly see and appreciate each other as separate beings.

The Rewards of Differentiation

The payoff for this difficult work is immense. Couples who go through this process often report not just better sex, but a deeper, more meaningful connection. They develop a capacity for what Schnarch calls “wall-socket sex: - sexual experiences where partners are fully present, fully seen, and fully accepted.

Moreover, the skills developed through this process - the ability to self-soothe, to maintain a sense of self in the face of difference, to stay present during discomfort - have applications far beyond the bedroom. They lead to more authentic relationships with friends and family, more confidence in professional settings, and a greater sense of overall life satisfaction.

The Broader Implications

Schnarch's ideas have implications far beyond sex therapy. They challenge our cultural narratives about relationships, about personal growth, about what it means to truly love someone.

In a world that often equates love with fusion, that tells us to find our "other half" or our "soulmate," Schnarch's approach is radical. It suggests that the highest form of love isn't losing yourself in another person, but fully becoming yourself alongside them.