Healing from Sexual Abuse
Growing up in a family where sexual abuse occurs can be more damaging than the abuse itself due to several factors:
Traumatic Mind Mapping: Children in these families are constantly trying to understand the minds of their abusers and other family members. They are forced to grapple with twisted motives, secrets, and betrayals. This constant "mind mapping" can be incredibly damaging to a child's developing brain, even if they are not the direct victim of abuse. For example, a child witnessing a parent's infidelity may experience traumatic mind mapping as they try to understand why their parent would hurt the other parent and the family as a whole. This is seen in Roger’s case where his father smiled at him while having sex with the maid, an event that caused Roger extreme traumatic mind mapping.
Disgust Reactions: Witnessing or even suspecting sexual abuse within the family can trigger powerful disgust reactions in a child's brain. These reactions are not just emotional; they're physical and visceral, originating in a part of the brain called the anterior insula. Repeated disgust reactions can have long-term effects on brain development and functioning, leading to problems with emotional regulation, concentration, and relationships. This can be worse than isolated incidents of abuse because the brain is repeatedly flooded with stress hormones, leading to negative plasticity.
Anticipatory Traumatic Mind Mapping: Children in abusive families live in a state of constant fear and anticipation. They are always on high alert, looking for signs of the next abusive incident. This chronic state of hypervigilance takes a toll on the developing brain and can lead to long-term anxiety and emotional instability. This means that even when abuse isn't happening, the anticipation of abuse is a constant source of stress.
Holes in Autobiographical Memory: Traumatic mind mapping can create gaps and distortions in a child's memory. They may not remember the abuse clearly, or they may remember it differently than how it actually occurred. This can make it difficult to process the trauma and can lead to a sense of confusion and unreality. For instance, in a fail-to-thrive couple's dynamic, one partner may have reported an idyllic childhood only for a much different (disgusting) picture to emerge.
Development of Antisocial Empathy: Witnessing abuse can actually teach children how to be abusive themselves. They may learn to enjoy the pain of others and to use manipulation and control in their relationships. For example, Lisbeth’s experience of physical torture while growing up in a home where antisocial empathy existed may have led her to develop a mean streak and be cruel to her partner or children.
Being Held Hostage: Children of abusive parents may feel compelled to stay close to them, even as adults, due to a combination of disgust and hatred that creates a kind of "emotional super-glue". This can make it difficult to set boundaries and can lead to unhealthy codependency. The normal disgust reaction that would make one want to avoid the abuser is reversed in this situation, making the child run towards the parent.
Impact on Sexual Development: Growing up in a sexually abusive environment can lead to distorted views of sex and intimacy. Children may develop anxiety arousal/sexual arousal patterns, where anxiety and sexual arousal become intertwined. They may also develop an eroticized disgust reaction, where they become aroused by things that would normally trigger disgust. Alexa, whose father displayed inappropriate sexual interest in her, developed an eroticized disgust reaction. Additionally, children from abusive homes often confuse healthy masculinity with intimidation, especially if their fathers were rageful.
Impaired Differentiation: Children in abusive families often struggle to develop a strong sense of self. They may become emotionally fused with their parents, making it difficult to separate their own thoughts, feelings, and values from those of their family members. Juanita's experience demonstrates that the daily breaking of alliances, a common occurrence in families where sexual abuse happens, can be more impactful than the episodic abuse itself.
Healing from this kind of family environment requires addressing the broader context of the abuse, not just the isolated incidents. It involves developing a strong sense of self, repairing holes in autobiographical memory, and learning to regulate emotions. A strong collaborative alliance with a therapist who understands these dynamics is essential for healing and growth.
