Collaborative, Collusive, and Combative Alliances in Marriage
A collaborative alliance is an agreement between two people to work together toward a common goal, even when it’s hard. It’s about bringing out the best in each other and acting like a true partnership. The “golden rule” of a collaborative alliance is to confront yourself first in any situation. Other rules of a collaborative alliance include telling the whole truth, even when it's difficult, and prioritizing fulfilling your responsibilities over your feelings. A collaborative alliance is considered by most people to be a good relationship.
In contrast, a collusive alliance is a bad-faith agreement that allows both partners to avoid their responsibilities. It's like saying, “I won't point out your shortcomings if you overlook mine”. Collusive alliances tend to fall apart when one or both partners can no longer get away with avoiding their responsibilities.
A combative alliance is an agreement to fight or argue instead of facing difficult issues and working things out. In a combative alliance, arguing is not a breakdown of the relationship; it is the relationship. This type of alliance allows partners to avoid self-confrontation and shirk their responsibilities. Combative alliances can prevent couples from resolving issues and lead to a cycle of hurt feelings and arguments.
Some couples may have no alliance, which means there are no rules of engagement and anything goes. This can lead to partners hurting each other in shocking ways because retaliation, rather than self-confrontation, becomes the most important thing.
Relationship alliances can shift quickly, just like acute regressions. If something triggers an issue you’re avoiding, you may slip into a collusive alliance to appease your partner and avoid real change. If that doesn't work, you might shift into a combative alliance and start an argument to divert your partner’s attention.
Regressions often cause people to drop their collaborative alliance, if they even had one to begin with. It’s difficult to maintain a collaborative alliance with someone who is regressed because their perceptions are inaccurate, they’re overly suspicious, and they tend to overreact. However, it's not impossible. Because responsibility in a collaborative alliance is unilateral, you can maintain a collaborative alliance with someone who is regressed, even if they have no intention of reciprocating, as long as you are sufficiently differentiated. This means being able to maintain your sense of self and emotional stability, even when your partner is behaving in a challenging way.
