How can I Offer a Collaborative Alliance to my Partner?
While a collaborative alliance ideally involves both partners, it's possible for one person to make the first move, even if their partner isn't initially receptive. This is because responsibility in a collaborative alliance is unilateral, meaning that each person is accountable for upholding their end of the bargain, regardless of whether the other person is doing the same. In other words, you can act in a way that invites collaboration, even if your partner is currently behaving in a way that discourages it.
Here's how you can unilaterally offer a collaborative alliance:
Focus on what needs to be done. This means shifting your attention away from blaming your partner or getting stuck in your own hurt feelings. Instead, concentrate on taking positive steps to address the issues at hand. For example, if you're struggling with sexual intimacy, start by initiating non-sexual physical touch like cuddling or massage. This demonstrates your willingness to work towards a solution, even if your partner isn't reciprocating yet.
Be honest, even when it's difficult. This means being upfront with your partner about your thoughts and feelings, even if you're afraid of their reaction. Transparency invites trust and allows your partner to accurately "mind-map" your intentions. For example, instead of hiding your sadness about the lack of intimacy, tell your partner how you feel and what you would like to see happen. This shows that you're not trying to manipulate them, but rather inviting them into an honest conversation.
Confront yourself. Be willing to look at your own contribution to the problem, even if your partner is also at fault. For example, if you tend to shut down emotionally when you're hurt, acknowledge that this behavior might be making it harder for your partner to connect with you. Owning your shortcomings demonstrates humility and can inspire your partner to do the same.
Stay grounded, even when your partner drops their end of the alliance. It's almost guaranteed that your partner will sometimes act in a way that damages the alliance, especially if they're struggling with their own issues. When this happens, focus on regulating your own emotions instead of reacting defensively. For example, if your partner gets angry when you try to talk about your feelings, don't get angry back. Instead, try to understand why they're reacting that way and calmly reiterate your desire to work together.
Unilaterally offering a collaborative alliance doesn't mean being a doormat or letting your partner walk all over you. It's about taking a leadership role in the relationship by modeling the behavior you want to see. By consistently acting with integrity and good faith, you can create a positive emotional environment that makes it more likely for your partner to eventually join you in a true collaborative alliance.
