Why You Can’t Stop Arguing
Close your eyes and imagine the wildlife that surrounds a coral reef in tropical waters. Shimmering fish swim in schools, darting in and out as the gentle currents move plants and animals in a delicate dance, bathed by the warmth of the sun as it filters down through the water. Here, all is alive, warm, colorful, and. There is a delicate interplay of hundreds of species, all coming together to create a beautiful web of life.
Now join me on a journey as we descend into the Mariana Trench, the deepest part of the ocean. As we pass one thousand feet, the water turns a dark blue. At two thousand, there is just a faint glow of light remaining. At three thousand, we enter complete darkness, and our journey is just beginning.
As we descend through the inky blackness, the pattern of life starts to change. Fish and other creatures wanter alone, instead of swimming in schools. Every creature focuses on eating and not being eaten. The rhythm of life is harsh, food is scarce, and there is no time for friendship or love.
Dr. David Schnarch uses this difference as a metaphor for understanding what happens when we argue with loved ones. It’s easy to let your most important relationships start drifting into the Mariana Trench. Schnarch calls this regression, and he divides it into steady-state regression and acute regression. An acute regression happens when you experience overwhelming emotion that makes it hard to function well. Steady-state regressions can last months or years, making it difficult to create lasting relationships.
Dr. Schnarch encourages us to do two things: first, admit we are regressed. Saying “I’m regressed” is a critical first step on the journey to getting better. Then, you start swimming for the surface. If you’re not sure whether you are regressed or not, you probably are. If you’re still not sure, take a look at your most important relationships: do your loved ones feel comfortable expressing their opinions around you, or asking for what they want? Would they be afraid to say something critical to you? Is anyone walking on eggshells around you?
The process of swimming for the surface involves looking into childhood experiences that contribute to your regression. Regressions are often related to difficult childhood experiences, especially those involving parents. Dr. Schnarch proposes two methods to help your brain recover: revisualizations and written mental dialogues.
Revisualizations help you reprocess difficult memories by moving past your verbal memory into your visual memory. Allowing your adult brain unfettered access to unprocessed visual memory is a powerful way to calm leftover childhood fears.
Start with a scene that involved one of your parents. Include as much sensory information as possible: sights, sounds, colors, textures.
Try to picture it from multiple camera angles.
What was the expression on your face and on your parent’s face?
Written Mental Dialogs help you see your parents more clearly and respond to them with confidence.
Start by writing down the conversation you need to have but have not yet had with one of your parents.
Focus on making it clear that you see what really happened in the past and what is really happening now.
Make sure you are the one in charge of the conversation.
Dr. Schnarch’s last book, Living at the Bottom of the Ocean, is available as a free PDF download at this link. If you’re interested in curing regression and helping your brain function better, I can’t recommend it enough!
