Threats of Divorce | Couples Therapy in Roseville, CA

When your partner threatens to divorce, it doesn't usually mean they want to leave. Threats of divorce are usually an attempt to control each other.

If you're receiving the threat, "I'm going to leave you," be willing to let your partner go if that's really what they want. The harder you try to hold on, the more it will tempt them to pull away.

If you're the one making the threat, know that it won't get your partner to change.

What I've seen

I've worked with many couples who divorced, many who didn't, and many where divorce came up in almost every fight. The people who threaten divorce a few times a month usually aren't interested in leaving. They're desperate for leverage, and often they threaten because they badly want to stay married.

The people I've seen actually leave don't keep threatening. They've already decided, and the threats stop interesting them. It's a hundred times easier to threaten divorce than to file for one.

What's happening when someone threatens to leave

When we were young, the best way to get taken care of was to make a fuss. As adults, we still have that instinct, and that's what we're doing when we threaten divorce.

The way past it is to take responsibility for your own distress instead of trying to get your partner to fix it for you.

Where to start

In a first session we'll talk about your situation, what's driving the threats, and what each of you can do differently.

Your first session is free. Schedule it here or call 916-292-8920. I see couples in my Roseville office and by video anywhere in California, and I offer online coaching outside California.