Marriage Counseling for Roommate Syndrome

You coordinate schedules. You split the chores. You share a house and a bed, and you feel alone. There's no big fight. You're just roommates.

This is one of the most common reasons couples come to see me, and it's very workable.

How couples end up here

When you're falling in love, your biology does a lot of the work. Warm feelings make it easy to be kind, curious, and generous. Those feelings fade after a couple of years, no matter what. I call this the love trap: when the feelings go, you stop treating each other as well as you used to, and then there are even fewer good feelings to work with.

It happened in my marriage. Molly and I got married right at the two-year point, and that's when things started to fall apart. We wanted a good relationship. We just didn't know how to love each other once the feelings stopped doing the work.

You stopped showing yourselves

Most roommate couples don't fight much. They've learned that it's safer to hide. You keep your real opinions, wants, and frustrations to yourself, and play the part of a good spouse instead. That keeps the peace, but nobody can feel close to someone they can't see.

Revealing the messy things in your mind, the things you're tempted to keep to yourself, is what makes you knowable. It might upset your partner in the short term. It's also the only way back to being known.

Some of the distance is from the past

I get anxious when my wife is upset with me. My chest gets tight, and I don't feel okay. That reaction doesn't have much to do with her. When I was two feet tall and needed someone to take care of me, my body built a warning system: watch out, the person who's supposed to take care of you isn't. That system still goes off, even though I'm an adult who can take care of myself.

When the alarm goes off, most people either reach for their partner anxiously or pull away. Pull away often enough and you end up roommates. I ask myself three questions to get back to reality:

1. What am I worried about?
2. If that happens, will it be okay?
3. Since I'm going to be okay, can I make room for how I feel right now?

Loving on purpose

The way out is to stop waiting for the feelings to come back and start treating your partner well because you choose to. You can feel annoyed or distant and still be kind. That's what adult love looks like: your values drive your behavior instead of your feelings.

That doesn't mean long-term love has no feelings. As Molly and I got better at treating each other well, some of the feelings we had when we first fell in love came back. This time we know how to keep them around.

What we'd work on

• Noticing when you hide, and practicing saying what you actually think and want.
• Calming your own alarm instead of needing your partner to calm it for you.
• Treating each other well on purpose, especially when you don't feel like it.

If the distance has gone on for years, intensive sessions can help you move faster.

Your first session is free. Schedule it here or call 916-292-8920. I see couples in my Roseville office and by video anywhere in California, and I offer online coaching outside California.

Related topics

• Communication
• Sexless Marriage & Dead Bedroom
• How Couples Therapy Works
• Fees & FAQ