Sexless Marriage and Dead Bedroom Therapy

One of you wants more sex. The other feels pressured, guilty, or numb. Maybe every conversation about it turns into a fight, so you've stopped having them. Maybe one of you has stopped asking.

This is one of the most common reasons couples come to see me. It's also very workable, as long as each of you is willing to look at your own part in it.

This is normal

In almost every long-term relationship, one partner wants sex more than the other. David Schnarch called them the high desire partner and the low desire partner, and he put it plainly: "The low desire partner always controls sex." Whoever wants it less decides when it happens.

That doesn't mean something is wrong with either of you, or that you married the wrong person. Schnarch wrote that "sexual desire problems are part of the normal, healthy processes of marriage." Early on, novelty does a lot of the work. After that, you have to want your partner on purpose.

If you want more sex

Ask yourself what you're hoping sex will give you. A lot of the time it's reassurance: proof that you're attractive, loved, good enough. When sex is carrying that much weight, your partner can feel it. Being pressured to make someone feel okay is about the least sexy thing there is, and it pushes desire down even further.

So do pleading, keeping score, sulking, criticizing, and "If you loved me, you would." Most of those come from anxiety. Your work is to calm your own anxiety first, so that you can offer your partner a calm connection instead of an anxious one. Reaching for your partner should feel like an invitation, not a demand.

If you want less

You may feel pressured, guilty, or numb. Maybe you say yes to sex you don't want just to keep the peace, and then want it even less. Maybe you avoid affection altogether because a hug feels like it might turn into a request.

Wanting less doesn't make you broken. It doesn't let you off the hook either. Schnarch noticed that "many people with low desire actually want to be wanted by their partner, but they themselves don't want to want." Wanting someone is a risk. Your work is to figure out what you actually want, say it clearly, and stop using "no" as your only way to protect yourself.

What helps

You both have work to do, and most of it is on yourselves. In my own marriage, things changed when I stopped trying to fix my wife and put my effort into my half of the problem. That's what I'll ask of each of you.

In practice, that usually means:

Talking about sex directly, without blaming each other.
Noticing what you do when you feel rejected or pressured, and what that does to your partner.
Learning to calm yourself down instead of needing your partner to do it for you.
Letting yourself be seen during sex, not just touched. Schnarch's eyes-open sex is one way to practice that.

This isn't about scheduling sex or fixing one person's libido. It's about two adults who can stay themselves and still want each other. Most couples see real progress in five to ten sessions.

Your first session is free. Schedule it here or call 916-292-8920. I see couples in my Roseville office and by video anywhere in California, and I offer online coaching outside California.