Couples Therapy for Codependency

Their mood becomes your mood. Their crisis becomes your crisis. You know what your partner needs before they say it, and you're not sure what you want at all.

What codependency looks like

Codependency is when your sense of being okay depends on managing someone else: their feelings, their behavior, their problems. In a couple it often looks like this:

• You feel responsible for your partner's mood, and you only relax when they're happy.
• You say yes when you mean no, so there won't be conflict.
• You can't stand to watch your partner struggle without jumping in to fix it.
• You edit yourself so you won't set them off.

Usually one partner does most of the managing and fixing, and the other leans on them. Both end up resentful.

Robert Glover draws a useful line between caring and caretaking. Caring gives your partner what they need, comes from a full tank, and has no strings attached. Caretaking gives what you need to give, comes from emptiness, and always has strings attached.

Where it comes from

When you were a child, your survival depended on staying connected to your parents. If a parent was unpredictable, depressed, or overwhelmed, you learned to watch their moods closely, because that kept you safe. Your body used strong, unpleasant sensations, like a tight chest or a knot in your stomach, to push you to do something about it.

You still feel those sensations as an adult. The difference is that now you can take care of yourself. The tightness in your chest comes from those old survival instincts, not from your partner.

What changes it

The answer isn't to care less. It's to take care of your own distress, so your partner doesn't have to be okay before you can be okay.

When you feel that familiar alarm, notice where it is in your body, accept that it's there, and offer it the kind of care you'd give a small child who's upset. Put a hand on your chest and tell yourself, "I got you." I call this feel more, do less: you let the feeling be there without rushing to fix your partner.

Then you can start practicing the harder parts: saying what you want, letting your partner be upset without rescuing them, and letting them work through their own problems.

You don't need your partner on board to start. One person changing can shift the whole relationship. It works best, though, when you both come.

Your first session is $30. Schedule it here or call 916-292-8920. I see couples in my Roseville office and by video anywhere in California, and I offer online coaching outside California.

Related topics

• Narcissism
• Roommate Syndrome
• Relationship Anxiety
• How Couples Therapy Works
• Fees & FAQ