Book Summary: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

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On this page

1. Chapter 1: The Nice Guy Syndrome
2. Chapter 2: The Making of a Nice Guy
3. Chapter 3: Learn to Please the Only Person Who Really Matters
4. Chapter 4: Make Your Needs a Priority
5. Chapter 5: Reclaim Your Personal Power
6. Chapter 6: Reclaim Your Masculinity
7. Chapter 7: Get the Love You Want
8. Chapter 8: Get the Sex You Want
9. Chapter 9: Get the Life You Want

Chapter 1: The Nice Guy Syndrome

The book: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

Glover defines the “Nice Guy Syndrome” as a pervasive people-pleasing mindset. A Nice Guy believes that hiding his flaws, suppressing his needs, and doing whatever he thinks others want will earn him love and a hassle-free life. Glover writes that he once believed he was “one of the nicest guys you would ever meet.” Nice Guys appear friendly, generous, and conflict-averse. They take pride in giving to others and fixing problems, and they “avoid conflict like the plague.” Underneath, though, they carry habits and feelings they keep hidden. Glover lists some not-so-nice traits that Nice Guys commonly develop: they can be dishonest about their feelings, secretive, manipulative or controlling (often in subtle ways), and prone to passive-aggressive behavior or even bursts of rage when their bottled-up resentment overflows. Glover says countless wives and girlfriends have described this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde quality to him.

Glover emphasizes that being a Nice Guy is not healthy or truly virtuous; it’s a dysfunctional strategy. The answer isn’t for a man to swing to the opposite extreme and become a jerk, but to evolve into what Glover calls an “Integrated Male.” An integrated man accepts all aspects of himself (both his strengths and his imperfections) instead of concealing parts of his identity to please others. Such a man likes himself “just as he is” and takes responsibility for his own needs. He’s comfortable with his masculinity and emotions, honest in his dealings, able to set boundaries, and unafraid of conflict when necessary.

Suggested action: Glover’s first exercise is to write down three possible safe people or groups who could support you, such as a friend, a counselor, or a support group, and call them. Recovery depends on revealing yourself to people like this and finding out you are still accepted.

Chapter 2: The Making of a Nice Guy

Why do some men become Nice Guys in the first place? Chapter 2 is about where the Nice Guy Syndrome comes from. Glover explains that as little boys, many Nice Guys received messages that it wasn’t safe or acceptable to be who they really were. Perhaps they felt abandoned, criticized, or emotionally neglected by important people in their early life. Young children are inherently ego-centric and dependent. They assume that if something is wrong in the family, theymust be the cause. So if a boy’s needs aren’t met or he feels unloved, he concludes, in Glover’s words, “that there must be something wrong with” him. This internalized shame (believing he’s inherently defective or unlovable) is what Glover calls toxic shame. To cope, the boy develops a survival script: he’ll hide any “bad” parts of himself and try hard to be very good to earn approval. This is the seed of the Nice Guy paradigm.

Glover notes that all Nice Guys experienced some form of what he terms abandonment in childhood: not always literal abandonment, but any experience of feeling unsafe, alone, or not accepted . They carry a deep belief that their needs and true feelings will drive others away, so they make themselves low-maintenance and pleasing instead. Glover also points to social changes: families moving from farms to cities, fathers absent from the home, more divorce, schools dominated by women, and women’s liberation and feminism. Boys who already looked to women for approval tried even harder to become what women seemed to want.

In this chapter, Glover also describes two types of Nice Guys he’s seen: the “I’m So Bad” Nice Guy, who openly believes he’s inferior or flawed (wearing his shame on his sleeve), and the “I’m So Good” Nice Guy, who buries his feelings of inadequacy under a role of rigid perfection and virtue. Both are driven by the same fear of being unworthy. The key realization here is that these men’s niceness isn’t an inborn trait. It’s a learned coping mechanism from childhood.

Suggested action: Glover doesn’t think you need to uncover every painful experience, but he finds that knowing where your script came from helps you change it. In a journal, write down the messages you got in your family that implied it wasn’t OK to be who you were, just as you were.

Chapter 3: Learn to Please the Only Person Who Really Matters

Chapter 3 asks Nice Guys to stop seeking approval from others and start approving of themselves. Glover introduces the concept of “attachments,” his word for the external things or achievements Nice Guys latch onto to feel valuable. His groups listed examples like having their hair just right, being smart, never getting angry, being a good lover, having a clean car, and never offending anyone. There’s nothing wrong with accomplishments, but Nice Guys use them as substitutes for self-esteem. The trouble is, basing your worth on outside approval means others never get to know the real you, and you never truly know yourself either.

A classic Nice Guy tactic covered here is the “covert contract.” This is an unspoken deal the Nice Guy believes he’s making with others: I’ll give you something, and you’ll give me what I want without my having to ask. The other person, of course, isn’t actually aware of this contract. For example, a Nice Guy might constantly compliment a woman just soshe’ll compliment him back or show affection, a hidden expectation that often leads to disappointment. These covert contracts are a form of manipulation. Since the Nice Guy is too afraid to ask directly for what he wants, he schemes to get his needs met indirectly, and then feels bitter when others don’t read his mind. Glover points out the irony: trying to be “nice” and never ask for anything outright often creates dishonesty and resentment in relationships.

The antidote is learning to approve of yourself. One of Glover’s suggested affirmations is “I am the only person I have to please.” His exercises for this chapter include:

• Identify your approval-seeking behaviors. Pick one way you try to get approval and go on a moratorium from it for a set period. Tell the people around you what you are doing, and if you slip, tell a safe person about it.

• Take better care of yourself. Nice Guys often treat everyone else better than they treat themselves. Glover’s list includes exercising, eating healthy food, getting enough sleep, playing, getting a massage, going out with buddies, and buying a new pair of shoes. Put the list where you’ll see it and do at least one thing for yourself every day.

• Use positive affirmations. Write affirmations on note cards and put them where you’ll see them, such as “I am lovable just as I am,” “My needs are important,” and “I can handle it.” Notice when your mind rejects them in favor of old beliefs.

• Spend time alone to discover yourself. Nice Guys often fear being alone or fill their time doing things for others. Glover suggests a weekend trip to the mountains or the beach, or a week or longer by yourself somewhere no one knows you. Keep a journal and use the time to observe yourself.

• Be genuine with safe people. Building on the previous chapter, continue opening up to those “safe” individuals in your life. Practice telling the truth about what you feel and want. If you’re sad or upset, tell someone rather than hiding it. If you need help or a listening ear, ask. Over time, you find out that being yourself doesn’t drive good people away.

Chapter 4: Make Your Needs a Priority

Chapter 4 is about the Nice Guy habit of prioritizing everyone else’s needs while ignoring his own. Nice Guys give and give, yet it isn’t pure altruism. Deep down they’re hoping this will earn them love or reciprocation, and they never directly state what they need. The section is called “Becoming Truly Selfish.” Glover’s point is that recovery has to center on putting yourself first and making your needs a priority. He tells Nice Guys, “No one was put on this planet to meet your needs” (except your parents, and that job is done). He also reminds them they weren’t put here to meet anyone else’s needs, except their children’s. That isn’t a license to trample people. It’s the shift that lets a man give without hidden strings, because he isn’t running on an empty tank.

One key concept introduced is the difference between “caring” and “caretaking.” Glover’s definition of caretaking has two parts: you focus on another person’s problems, needs, or feelings in order to feel valuable, get your own needs met, or avoid your own. Caretaking gives what the giver needs to give, comes from emptiness, and always has unconscious strings attached. Caring gives what the receiver needs, comes from abundance, and has no strings. For example, a Nice Guy might obsessively do his girlfriend’s errands (even ones she didn’t ask for) not purely out of kindness, but because he feels safer if he’s “useful,” and he secretly hopes she will now never leave him. Glover warns that caretaking often breeds resentment on both sides: the Nice Guy feels unappreciated when his efforts don’t yield devotion, and the recipient may feel smothered or manipulated.

Giving to get creates what Glover calls the victim triangle. It goes like this: First, the Nice Guy does something for someone (unasked) expecting unspoken repayment. Second, when he doesn’t get the response he wanted, he becomes hurt, angry, or resentful. Third, those pent-up feelings eventually leak out in unpleasant ways: maybe he gives his partner the silent treatment, makes a passive-aggressive comment, or has an outburst of stored-up rage. Then he might feel guilty for that and go back to being extra “nice” to compensate, and the cycle continues. The end result is nobody’s needs (including the Nice Guy’s) are truly met, and the relationship becomes tense.

Breaking free in this area means learning to state what you need and want, and being open to receiving it. Glover stresses that appearing “needless and wantless” in a relationship doesn’t make it stronger. It actually deprives your partner of the chance to know you and give to you, and it sets you up for martyrdom and bitterness. It’s healthier to ask for what you need in clear and direct ways.

Suggested action: Glover suggests putting yourself first for a weekend or a whole week. Tell the people around you what you are doing and ask a friend to support you. Notice your anxiety and your pull back to old patterns. At the end, ask the people around you what it was like for them. He also suggests identifying one covert contract with someone important to you, telling them what you give and what you expect in return, and asking how it feels to respond to an unclear agenda.

Chapter 5: Reclaim Your Personal Power

In Chapter 5, Glover addresses the deep sense of powerlessness that many Nice Guys carry. Having lived as “victims of life” (always trying to do the right thing yet feeling life happens to them) Nice Guys often secretly feel helpless and at the mercy of others’ whims. Glover calls this out as a self-defeating mindset and teaches how to reclaim one’s personal power. Personal power, as defined here, is not about controlling others; it’s the confidence that you can handle whatever life throws at you. Glover’s mantra for it is “I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will handle it.”

Nice Guys typically avoid anything that might be scary, uncomfortable, or “un-smooth.” They hate conflict, risk, or change, all of which are part of real life. So reclaiming personal power means changing your relationship with fear and uncertainty. Glover says the goal is not to eliminate fear (we all feel it), but to stop letting it run your life. In practical terms, he outlines several ways to break out of the Nice Guy victim mentality:

• Surrender and accept reality. “Surrender” here means recognizing and accepting that much of life is outside your control. Nice Guys exhaust themselves trying to control every outcome or fix every problem (especially others’ problems). Glover urges readers to let go of that illusion of control. Embrace the fact that life can be unpredictable and even unfair at times. By surrendering to reality, you feel stronger, because you’re no longer wasting energy on unwinnable battles or denying the truth of situations.

• Live in truth (no more dishonesty). Nice Guys often bend the truth or hide information to avoid conflict or look good. This lack of integrity actually weakens them. Glover insists that developing integrity and honesty is a cornerstone of personal power. Glover describes the Integrated Male as someone who “does what is right, not what is expedient.” Telling the truth (to yourself and others) might occasionally upset people, but it builds self-respect and earns the respect of others. When you’re truthful, you can face life with a clear conscience and a strong sense of self.

• Express your feelings. Many Nice Guys are terrified of their own emotions (especially anger, sadness, or fear) because they think feelings make them weak or unlovable. They shove everything down to keep the peace. Glover flips this thinking: expressing feelings in a healthy way actually makes you more powerful and grounded. Suppressing emotions, on the other hand, keeps you anxious and tense. The book encourages finding safe outlets for your feelings: talk to trusted friends about what you feel, or write in a journal, or even see a therapist if needed. If you’re upset with someone, practice respectfully addressing it rather than smiling it away. Feelings won’t kill you, in fact, allowing yourself to feel and communicate emotions is key to genuine relationships and self-confidence.

• Face your fears proactively. Glover explains that Nice Guys carry a lot of “memory fear”, echoes of childhood where things felt overwhelming, which now trigger excessive fear in adult situations. To grow, you must systematically face the things that scare you instead of always avoiding them. This doesn’t mean being reckless; it means doing the hard but important things you’ve been avoiding (maybe that’s speaking up at work, initiating a difficult conversation, or trying something new where you might fail). Each time you confront a fear, you prove to yourself that you can survive it, and your confidence grows. Even if the outcome isn’t perfect, you’ll likely realize it wasn’t as catastrophic as your imagination predicted. Over time, this builds a mental library of successes (“I handled that”) which replaces the old victim narrative.

• Set boundaries with others. Taking back personal power also involves drawing lines in how you allow others to treat you. If you’ve been a doormat, people in your life are used to walking all over you, not necessarily out of malice, but because you’ve never stopped them. Glover emphasizes that no one has any incentive to respect your boundaries until you start enforcing them. It’s your job to teach others what is okay and not okay. This might involve saying “no” more often, or calmly correcting someone when they cross a line, or removing yourself from situations/relationships that are consistently disrespectful. Setting boundaries can be scary for a Nice Guy (it feels “mean”), but it’s actually an act of self-respect and mutual respect. Healthy people will respect you more for having boundaries. And those who react very poorly to your reasonable limits are often the ones who took advantage of your niceness. Their anger just confirms the boundary was needed. Glover assures that surviving the discomfort of enforcing a boundary greatly boosts your personal power; you stop feeling like a victim and start feeling like the director of your own life.

Suggested action: Glover’s exercises for this chapter include listing one fear that has been controlling your life and repeating “I can handle it” until you take action; choosing one area where you have been out of integrity, telling a safe person, and then telling the truth or making it right; and spending a week noticing every time you say “yes” when you would rather say “no” or put up with something to keep the peace.

Chapter 6: Reclaim Your Masculinity

Many Nice Guys have distanced themselves from their own masculinity. Whether due to growing up hearing “men are toxic” messages or lacking strong male mentors, they came to view their masculine traits (assertiveness, strength, sexuality) as something to be ashamed of or toned down. Chapter 6 encourages men to embrace being men and tap into the positive power of masculinity. Glover argues that masculinity itself is not the enemy; in fact, healthy masculine energy is vital for a balanced life and fulfilling relationships. He defines masculinity in a positive light as self-sufficiency and strength: traits like determination, courage, honesty, passion, protectiveness, and leadership that historically help individuals, families, and communities survive and thrive. Of course, Glover acknowledges there are potential negative extremes (aggression, cruelty) if masculinity is misused. But suppressing all masculine traits isn’t the answer; instead, men should channel their masculinity in constructive ways.

This chapter invites Nice Guys to stop trying to be “perfectly nice” as a way to distance themselves from manhood. Many Nice Guys unconsciously believed that by being overly sensitive, deferential, or asexual, they would differentiate themselves from the stereotypical “bad man” image. The result is they ended up disowning aspects of themselves that are actually healthy and needed (like their assertiveness or sexual drive) leaving them feeling weak, anxious, or unfulfilled. Reclaiming masculinity means giving yourself permission to be a man in the best sense of the word. Glover’s suggestions include:

• Build connections with other men. A powerful way to reconnect with your masculine side is to spend quality time with men: as friends, mentors, or in group activities. Nice Guys often avoid male company (they may have been more comfortable relating to women or felt competitive around men). But Glover suggests actively seeking out male friendship and camaraderie. His exercise: list three men you would like to know better, an activity you could do with each, and a date by which you will contact him.

• Get stronger (physically and emotionally). Glover asks readers to identify three ways they neglect their bodies and three ways to start taking better care of themselves.

• Find healthy male role models. Picture what a healthy male would be like, write down his traits, and think of someone you know who has some of them and could be a role model. Glover also has readers list their father’s characteristics, write the opposite of each, and mark where they fall between the two. Men who do this are often surprised at what they find.

Chapter 7: Get the Love You Want

This chapter is about intimate relationships, an area where Nice Guys often experience the most pain. Glover starts by noting that many Nice Guys show up in therapy precisely because their love life is in shambles. They can’t seem to maintain the kind of passionate, healthy relationships they desire. The paradox is that their very efforts to be the “perfect boyfriend/husband” contribute to the dysfunction. A core issue is that true intimacy requires vulnerability, but the Nice Guy’s toxic shame makes genuine openness terrifying. Instead of revealing their true selves (fears, desires, flaws) to a partner, Nice Guys either cling too tightly in a caretaking role or keep emotional distance to protect themselves.

Glover identifies two common patterns Nice Guys fall into:

• Enmeshers: These men get overly involved in their partner’s life and emotions, losing any sense of self. They think that by merging completely and fixing all their partner’s problems, they’ll earn love. In reality, they smother their partner and neglect their own needs, leading to burnout and resentment.

• Avoiders: These guys fear being controlled or hurt, so they remain emotionally distant. They may be in a relationship, but they always keep a wall up or put work, hobbies, friends, anything, ahead of true quality time with their partner. This of course prevents deep connection.

Another issue is partner selection. Nice Guys tend to pick partners they see as “projects” or “diamonds in the rough,” people who have had troubled childhoods, a string of bad relationships, or depression. Why? Because focusing on “fixing” a partner’s issues is a convenient distraction from facing their own. If all his attention is on her drama, he never has to confront his insecurities or express his needs. Glover also describes ways Nice Guys unconsciously stay “monogamous” to their mothers, such as over-involvement with work or hobbies, relationships with people who need fixing, and addictions.

So how can a Nice Guy turn his love life around? Glover provides several “success strategies for intimate relationships.”

• Give yourself approval and live your life. In short: don’t make your partner the center of your universe. Glover advises men to continue pursuing their own passions, friendships, and growth even when in a relationship. Do not abandon your hobbies or goals just to spend all your time with her or to keep her happy. Maintaining your individuality actually improves the relationship. It makes you more interesting and self-assured, and you’re together because you want to be, not because you’re desperate or dependent. When you approve of yourself and have a life you love, you won’t tolerate an unhealthy relationship, and you’ll naturally attract partners who respect you.

• Set clear boundaries (even with the ones you love). Chapter 7 reinforces boundary-setting as an act of love. Standing up for yourself with your partner creates respect in the relationship. Glover gives a handy yardstick called the “Second Date Rule.” If you wouldn’t have tolerated a certain behavior or treatment on the second date (when you were just getting to know this person), why tolerate it after two years? This doesn’t mean being inflexible, but it reminds Nice Guys not to excuse bad behavior just because they’re afraid of conflict or losing the relationship. Another is the “Healthy Male Rule”: ask yourself, “How would a healthy male handle this situation?” This can guide you in moments when you’re unsure whether to speak up or how to respond. Enforcing boundaries lovingly (no yelling or threats, just clear communication of your limits) actually makes your partner feel more secure too. It shows her you respect yourself, which encourages her to respect you, and it establishes a sense of stability.

• Focus on the relationship, not fixing your partner. Glover reminds readers that you are not your partner’s therapist or parent. If she has personal issues, it’s not your job to solve them, and trying to do so often backfires. Instead of constantly analyzing or attempting to improve your partner, put energy into how you two interact. That means practicing good communication, spending quality time together, and addressing issues as a team. It also means accepting that your partner is a separate person with her own life. You can be supportive without taking over. One practical piece of advice: don’t reinforce bad behavior. For instance, if your partner yells to get her way and you always give in, you’ve taught her that yelling works. A healthier approach is not to reward behaviors you don’t like. Remain calm, set a boundary, or disengage, but don’t capitulate just to keep the peace. Conversely, do acknowledge and encourage positive behaviors and efforts. Treat your partner like an equal adult, not a project. This builds mutual respect and growth.

• Break old patterns when starting a new relationship. If you’re single or end up single again, Glover strongly urges you not to repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship. That starts with choosing a partner wisely. It’s not about finding a “perfect” person (no one is perfect), but it is wise to avoid people who send up red flags you’ve ignored in the past. For example, if you have a pattern of dating women who are in some kind of crisis thinking you can rescue them, recognize that and try dating someone who’s on more stable footing. And equally important, start the new relationship differently: be honest about who you are, communicate your needs early, and maintain your boundaries and self-care from the get-go. That way you set a healthy tone and won’t have to “fix” things later because you’re not betraying yourself to win her over in the first place.

Suggested action: Glover asks whether you are an enmesher or an avoider in your current relationship, and how your partner would see you. He also notes that we tend to be attracted to people who have some of the worst traits of both of our parents, and asks you to identify how your partner helps you recreate familiar patterns from childhood and to share that with her. Finally: list the ways you try to please your partner, and what you would change if you didn’t have to worry about making her happy.

Chapter 8: Get the Sex You Want

Sex and sexuality are a major focus in Chapter 8, as Glover acknowledges that many Nice Guys have an unsatisfying or troubled sex life. This isn’t surprising given everything discussed so far: shame, fear of disapproval, and secretive behavior all wreak havoc in the bedroom. Glover begins by outlining common problems Nice Guys face with sex:

• They might not be getting enough sex (perhaps stuck in a sexless marriage or afraid to seek out partners).

• The sex they do have may be unsatisfying or lacking passion.

• They could experience sexual dysfunction (like erectile issues or premature ejaculation) tied to anxiety and shame.

• Some Nice Guys swing to the other extreme and have compulsive sexual behaviors: e.g. chronic pornography use, affairs, or risky encounters, as a hidden outlet, since they’re not getting their needs met openly.

• Others feel repressed and guilty about their sexual desires, never expressing what they want, which leads to a mechanical, boring sex life.

According to Glover, two big issues underlie most of these problems: toxic shame around sexuality and fear of rejection. Many Nice Guys equate a woman’s sexual approval with their worth, so sex becomes a performance where they must “do it right” to be loved. They also carry deep shame for even having sexual needs (perhaps as a result of strict upbringing or past rejections) so they either avoid sex or hide their sexual expression as if it’s something dirty or bad. This shame and fear create a catch-22: the man can’t relax and be authentic sexually, which pretty much guarantees bad sex or no sex, which then reinforces his belief that something is wrong with him.

Glover offers a number of strategies to help Nice Guys get the fulfilling sex life they (and their partners) truly want:

• “Come out of the closet” as a sexual being. The first step is to accept that you are a sexual creature, and there’s nothing wrong or shameful about that. Nice Guys need to drop the pretend act of being the asexual “nice boy” and acknowledge their desires. This might involve talking openly about sex in a mature way, whether with your partner, a therapist, or a men’s group. Glover suggests every man should have a safe space to discuss sexual issues and fears. By bringing the secrets into the light, you begin dismantling the shame. You realize sexual feelings are normal and you’re not “bad” for having them.

• Engage in “healthy masturbation.” This phrase in the book basically means learning to pleasure yourself in a mindful, self-accepting way rather than with frantic shame or porn-induced fantasies. His exercise is to set aside time to touch yourself without pornography or fantasy, and without a goal like orgasm. The idea is to recondition yourself to be present with your own body and feelings, without relying on the intense dopamine hit of porn or the pressure of pleasing a partner. This can help break porn addictions and reduce performance anxiety. It is about experiencing your sexuality without an agenda. By doing this, you learn what you actually enjoy and that it’s okay to enjoy it, which you can then communicate to a partner.

• Say “no” to bad sex. One of the bold stances Glover takes is telling men to stop tolerating lousy or unsatisfying sexual encounters. If sex with your partner has become infrequent, rote, or one-sided (and you’ve been silently stewing about it), continuing that pattern just breeds more resentment. Glover argues that neither partner benefits from obligatory, pity, or mechanical sex. Instead, he challenges Nice Guys to put a hold on the unfulfilling sex they’ve been settling for. This might mean having an honest conversation with your partner that you want to hit the reset button on your sex life: perhaps even agreeing to a short period of no sex, so that when you resume, it’s from a fresh slate of genuine desire rather than duty. Glover calls this a sexual moratorium. He says most men resist the idea at first and then find it a very positive experience. During the break, focus on other forms of intimacy and communication. When you resume, approach sex as an entirely new experience, leaving old routines and grudges behind.

• Redefine what “good sex” means. Glover provides a healthier framework for great sex: it should be a natural, mutual exchange where both partners take responsibility for their own pleasure. It’s not one person performing and the other passively enduring, and it’s certainly not a scripted porn scenario (throw out those checklists of what “must” happen). Good sex is about intimacy, playfulness, vulnerability, and being present with each other’s bodies. It has unpredictable potential, meaning you’re open to whatever experience unfolds, rather than trying to hit some quota or standard. For a Nice Guy, this means letting go of the pressure to perform. Instead, focus on connecting with your partner: what feels good in the moment? Communicate during sex; ask what she likes, and express what you like. If both people are actively engaged and comfortable saying yes or no, sex becomes a relaxed exploration rather than a test of worthiness.

• Be clear and direct about your sexual needs. Just as in other areas of life, Glover says you must ask for what you want in your sex life. If there’s something you desire more of (or less of), talk about it with your partner outside the bedroom, and also guide them during intimacy. For instance, if you want a different kind of touch, gently show or tell them. If there’s a fantasy or new activity you’d like to try, bring it up for discussion. And equally, listen to what your partner wants. The more open the communication, the more fulfilling the sex can be. Importantly, choose available partners, meaning, invest your sexual energy in people who reciprocate interest and effort. Many Nice Guys waste time trying to convince a disinterested person, which just feeds their feeling of inadequacy. It’s far better to be with someone who genuinely desires you back.

• Follow the example of the bull moose. Glover writes that the bull moose doesn’t sit around trying to figure out what will make the girls like him. “As in nature, the greatest aphrodisiac is self-confidence.” As recovering Nice Guys get comfortable being themselves, they look more attractive.

Suggested action: Find a safe place, such as a therapist or a men’s group, to talk about your sexual history, the ways you have acted out sexually, and your dark side. Glover says this step cannot be skipped, because sexual shame only gets released in front of accepting, non-judgmental people. Then consider the healthy masturbation exercise and a sexual moratorium.

Chapter 9: Get the Life You Want

In the final chapter, Glover zooms out to address the bigger picture of life satisfaction. He observes that many Nice Guys are actually living far below their potential (stuck in unfulfilling careers or lifestyles) because the same Nice Guy traits that undermine their relationships also hold them back from success and happiness in general. They spend so much time appeasing others and chasing approval that they never chart their own path. Glover challenges readers to apply all the previous lessons (self-responsibility, facing fears, asking for what you want, etc.) to crafting the life they truly desire.

Some common barriers that keep Nice Guys from living their best life include:

• Fear: especially fear of failure and fear of success. . This fear leads to playing it safe and not taking opportunities.

• Trying to do it right: Nice Guys often feel they must do everything perfectly or not at all, and they hate uncertainty. This can result in paralysis: they stick to familiar, mediocre situations rather than risk the unknown. They might also over-plan and never actually launch their dream because conditions weren’t perfectly “right.”

• Trying to do everything themselves: Because of their upbringing, many Nice Guys think needing help is shameful, so they insist on doing everything alone. This severely limits their growth. No one achieves great things without support, yet Nice Guys will stubbornly refuse assistance or mentorship, leading to burnout or failure.

• Self-sabotage: Glover lists ways Nice Guys undermine themselves: procrastination, not finishing what they start, getting involved in others’ drama instead of focusing on their goals, making excuses, or quitting when success is just around the corner. These behaviors often stem from the belief that they’re not really worthy of big success or happiness (that toxic shame again), so unconsciously they act in ways that confirm their “not good enough” story.

• Distorted self-image: After years of playing the nice guy role, many men genuinely can’t see how capable or talented they are. They downplay their accomplishments and avoid the spotlight. This can prevent them from seeking promotions, asking for raises, or taking on challenges that they actually could excel at.

• Deprivation thinking: Nice Guys often have a deep belief that good things (money, love, success) are scarce and that pursuing what they want will somehow deprive others or is bound to fail. This leads to settling for crumbs in life instead of striving for abundance.

The chapter encourages readers to consciously break this cycle and start envisioning and pursuing the life they want, not the life they think will please others. Key recommendations include:

• Discover your passion and purpose. Glover urges men to figure out what genuinely excites them in life, what would get them out of bed in the morning even if no one else cared or approved? It could be a career path, a creative hobby, a cause, or an entrepreneurial idea. Often Nice Guys have buried these passions to be “responsible” or to fit others’ expectations. Now is the time to unearth them. He suggests revisiting childhood dreams or noticing what activities make you lose track of time. Once you identify a passion or purpose, take steps (even small ones) to incorporate it into your life or work.

• Face your fears: especially the fear of change. Much like in Chapter 5, here Glover emphasizes that achieving your dreams will require courage. Do what scares you in order to move forward. This could mean quitting a dead-end job, going back to school, moving to a new city, or finally starting that business you’ve talked about. It might mean having tough conversations, like asking for a raise or ending a toxic relationship. He acknowledges the fear but reminds the reader that not taking action is often worse. It means a life of regrets. The first step can be small, but it must be taken. Glover gives examples: if you want a new career, maybe the first step is enrolling in one class or reaching out to someone in that field. The important thing is to do something different rather than repeating the same patterns. Action builds momentum and confidence.

• Let go of the need to be perfect. Over and over, Glover cautions that perfectionism is the enemy of growth. One of his anti-sabotage rules is to accept “good enough” rather than “perfect.” This doesn’t mean being sloppy; it means recognizing when striving for 100% is just an excuse to never finish (or never start). Accept that any new endeavor will have a learning curve and mistakes, and that’s okay. By giving yourself permission to be imperfect, you’ll take more risks and actually get things done.

• Ask for help and build a support system. Glover’s point is that no one achieves their dreams alone. Nice Guys need to get comfortable reaching out to others for assistance, mentoring, collaboration, or even emotional support. Glover’s exercise is to list the helpers you have now, friends, family, and professionals like doctors, lawyers, therapists, and CPAs, and then ask what kind of helpers you still need. He believes other people really do want to help you meet your needs, but you have to ask clearly.

• Identify and stop self-sabotage. Glover wants readers to shine a light on those sneaky behaviors that derail progress. His exercise is to identify how you sabotage yourself and what you would have to do differently, using rules like: focus, do it now, accept “good enough” rather than “perfect,” and finish what you start.

Suggested action: Write down three things you want to make happen in your life and what prevents you. Write a personal affirmation that will take you there, post it where you can see it, and share it with a safe person. Glover also offers a list of rules to try, starting with “If it frightens you, do it,” “Don’t settle,” “Put yourself first,” and “No matter what happens, you will handle it.”

No More Mr. Nice Guy doesn’t mean becoming a jerk. It means becoming what Glover calls an Integrated Male: a man who likes himself just as he is and takes responsibility for getting his own needs met.