Why Women Are Twice as Likely as Men to File for Divorce

Wives start about 70% of divorces in the United States. That has been true for decades. This page covers what the research says about why, and what couples can do earlier.

What the research shows

Michael Rosenfeld at Stanford used a national survey of 2,262 adults (2009 to 2015). Women started 69% of the divorces in it. Margaret Brinig and Douglas Allen studied more than 46,000 divorce decrees from four states and found that mothers filed two-thirds or more of the divorces involving children.

Rosenfeld also checked whether women just leave relationships more readily. They don't. Among unmarried couples, men and women were about equally likely to be the one who wanted to break up. The gap shows up in marriage.

He found something else. Married women rated their relationships lower than married men did. Unmarried women and men rated theirs the same. He suggests marriage still carries old expectations about gender roles, such as housework, childcare, and even changing a name.

You may see a claim that about 90% of college-educated women start their divorces. I couldn't find that in Rosenfeld's study or elsewhere, so I left it out.

Housework and the mental load

Time-use research finds that women do more housework and childcare than men, even when both partners work full time (Bianchi, Robinson and Milkie, 2006). That includes the mental load: remembering birthdays, scheduling appointments, tracking what the house and the kids need.

Frisco and Williams (2003) linked a wife's feeling that housework was unfair to lower marital happiness and a higher risk of divorce.

The work is only part of it. Many women say they feel unseen. When one partner runs the whole household in their head and the other doesn't notice, loneliness sets in, even inside the marriage.

Feeling alone in the marriage

A couple can look fine from the outside. They pay bills, raise kids, and go to events together. Inside, one or both of them feel like roommates. Many women who file describe years of feeling disconnected before they decided to leave.

When a wife brings this up and gets shut down or brushed off, she often stops trying. That quiet withdrawal usually comes years before the filing.

Custody and money

Brinig and Allen found that expecting to get custody was the strongest predictor of who files. Money also matters. Women can support themselves far more easily than they could two generations ago, and women now earn most bachelor's degrees. That makes leaving an option. It doesn't make women more likely to want to leave, but it removes a barrier that used to keep people in marriages that weren't working.

Expectations of marriage

Marriage is now supposed to provide companionship, emotional support, and closeness, not just financial security. When people expect more from marriage, they are more disappointed when they don't get it.

In my work I often see wives seek help first. They read the books and suggest couples therapy. When the effort feels one-sided, the disappointment builds.

Menopause and midlife

For some couples, menopause is part of the picture, especially when the divorce comes in midlife. Perimenopause can bring poor sleep, mood swings, anxiety, lower desire, and painful sex. It often arrives in the same years as teenagers, aging parents, and peak demands at work. Small studies link more severe menopause symptoms to lower marital satisfaction, though the findings are mixed.

The most quoted number comes from a 2022 UK survey by the Family Law Menopause Project and Newson Health. Of more than 1,000 women who had been through perimenopause and a divorce or separation, 73% said menopause contributed to the breakdown of their marriage. That tells you how those women understand their own story. It doesn't show that menopause caused the divorces, and the women who answered were not a representative sample.

Menopause also can't explain the whole gap. Wives file most divorces involving children too (Brinig and Allen), and those usually happen well before menopause.

Menopause may matter most by bringing long-standing problems to the surface. A woman who has carried the household and felt unheard for years may have less patience left for it, and more clarity about what she won't accept. It works the other way too: sometimes marriage problems get blamed on hormones, and sometimes symptoms get blamed on the marriage. When both partners understand what is changing, and symptoms get a proper medical look, it is easier to tell which is which.

Conflict styles

Research on marital conflict finds that wives more often raise problems and push for a resolution, and husbands more often withdraw. John Gottman's research found that stonewalling, meaning shutting down during conflict, is more common among husbands. It is one of the most damaging habits in a marriage, because the other person feels abandoned and ignored.

Learning to argue constructively helps. It only works if both people take part.

The decision usually takes years

In my office, wives rarely decide to divorce on impulse. The decision builds over years of disappointment, attempts to talk, and pulling away. Many husbands are blindsided. When I hear the wife's side, there is almost always a long history of attempts to raise the problem that went unheard.

That is painful for both people. The husband didn't see it coming. The wife feels she has been signaling for years. Both experiences are real. If you are the spouse whose partner wants a divorce, or the one thinking about leaving, understanding this can help you repair the marriage or end it with less damage.

What couples can do

Here are patterns you can catch earlier.

Make the invisible work visible. Talk out loud about who tracks the calendar, who buys the gifts, who notices what is running low. You can't share what neither of you can see.

Make time to connect. Set aside regular time to talk about more than logistics. Ask about your partner's inner life, and mean it.

Learn to fight well. Every couple has conflict. What matters is whether the arguments make your bond stronger or weaker. That is a skill, and you can practice it.

Take complaints seriously. When your partner says they're unhappy, don't get defensive. You don't have to agree with every point to listen.

Get help sooner. A couples therapist can point out blind spots and help with problems you can't solve alone. It is easier to change a pattern before it hardens.

If you are worried about your marriage

If you are reading this because you're worried about your own marriage, take that worry seriously. You don't have to work it out alone. You can get professional support at any point, and earlier is easier. If divorce has already come up in your fights, read about threats of divorce, or what to do when your wife wants a divorce.

Sources

• Bianchi, S. M., Robinson, J. P., & Milkie, M. A. (2006). Changing Rhythms of American Family Life. Russell Sage Foundation.

• Brinig, M. F., & Allen, D. W. (2000). "These Boots Are Made for Walking": Why Most Divorce Filers Are Women. American Law and Economics Review, 2(1), 126-169.

• Family Law Menopause Project and Newson Health Research and Education (2022). Survey of more than 1,000 women on menopause and divorce. Reported in Today’s Family Lawyer.

• Frisco, M. L., & Williams, K. (2003). Perceived Housework Equity, Marital Happiness, and Divorce in Dual-Earner Households. Journal of Family Issues, 24(1).

• Rosenfeld, M. J. (2018). Who wants the breakup? Gender and breakup in heterosexual couples. In Social Networks and the Life Course. Springer. (First presented at the American Sociological Association meeting, 2015.)