Why do we Create False Realities?

We use false realities to justify bad behavior, intense feelings, and lack of action.

We create false realities when we don’t want to face what’s actually true about ourselves. After creating a false reality, we usually try to get other people to believe it too. 

For example:

Jeff is an abusive husband. He can deal with this reality in three ways:

1. Pretend he’s not abusive (false reality)

2. Acknowledge the abuse but pretend he has no other choice (false reality)

3. Acknowledge the abuse and his choices (actual reality)

If Jeff chooses the third option, he will have to face the uncomfortable reality that he’s choosing to be abusive. 

Laura is a controlling mother. She can deal with this reality in three ways:

1. Pretend she’s not controlling (false reality)

2. Acknowledge that she’s controlling but pretend she has no other choice (false reality)

3. Acknowledge that she’s controlling and that she could choose to not be controlling if she really wanted to (actual reality)

If Laura chooses the third option, she will have to face the uncomfortable reality of what she’s really like.

Tom is an avoidant partner. He can deal with this reality in three ways:

1. Pretend that he’s not avoidant (false reality)

2. Acknowledge that he’s avoidant, but pretend that he has no other choice (false reality)

3. Acknowledge that he’s avoidant and that he could change if he really wanted to (actual reality)

If Tom chooses the third option, he will have to face the uncomfortable reality of what he’s really like. 

We usually use a combination of the first and second option because we don’t want to face the reality of what we’re really like. Getting rid of false realities means coming into contact with what’s real, including the way we treat the people we claim to love.

False realities that justify intense emotions

When you feel intense emotions, you might create a false reality to justify them. For example:

• A child who feels afraid at night might imagine a monster under the bed. The imaginary monster justifies the child's fear.
• A husband who feels anxious might decide that his wife's behavior is unacceptable. The way he thinks about his wife's behavior justifies his anxiety.
• A politician who feels angry might invent context that would seem to justify his anger.

When you feel strong emotions that don't seem justified by what's really happening, you have two options:

1. Accept that you're the kind of person who sometimes feels intense emotions that can't be justified by what's real.
2. Create a false reality that makes your emotions seem more justified.

In practice, we choose the second option most of the time. The 2001 film A Beautiful Mind shows this: the main character creates intensely detailed false realities to justify his own fear and anxiety.