What is a Collaborative Alliance?

Creating a more collaborative alliance is the key to relationship repair. Dr. David Schnarch lists these eight key points about collaborative alliances in Chapter 11 of his book Intimacy and Desire:

1. First and foremost, collaborative alliances focus on what needs to be done. Listening and speaking up are important in these alliances, but they are based on action, not just feelings.

2. Re-establishing a collaborative alliance with your partner is more important than the fact that your alliance crashed. Relationship repair is paramount, prioritizing the continuation of the marriage over fears of its demise.

3. Pay attention to when you drop your alliance. People are often more aware of when their partner drops the alliance than when they do it themselves. Recognizing and acknowledging when you drop your side of the alliance is the first, most difficult, and most important step in rebuilding it. Understanding your patterns of dropping the alliance can lead to quicker improvement and may reflect past life experiences.

4. How you feel isn’t the main issue. Feeling nervous does not excuse you from upholding your end of the alliance. The key issue is fulfilling your responsibilities. Your feelings may be understandable, but your responsibility to maintain your integrity and do what’s right remains.

5. In a collaborative alliance your responsibilities are unilateral, not mutual or reciprocal. A collaborative alliance means maintaining your end of the agreement even when your partner temporarily drops theirs. Your partner’s bad behavior does not excuse your own, and you should confront them about dropping their responsibility after ensuring you have fulfilled yours. This prevents the relationship from being governed by the lowest common denominator.

6. Collaborative alliances don’t always feel good. They can involve confrontation, challenges, and refusing to accommodate, which can be difficult. A collaborative alliance does not guarantee making your partner feel good, validated, accepted, safe, or secure. Collaborative alliances are defined by function, not feeling. In contrast, collusive alliances center around making people feel certain ways.

7. Collaborative alliances never involve blinding yourself about your partner, yourself, or what’s going on between you. Both partners must remain perceptive and mindful, with mind-mapping playing a crucial role. Don’t try to hide your true self. Asking someone to overlook your shortcomings, or offering to do the same for them, constitutes a collusive alliance.

8. Collaborative alliances test your integrity. Maintaining a good-faith agreement ultimately comes down to preserving your integrity. While it’s easier to abandon the alliance and prioritize your own immediate interests, as you become more differentiated, you prioritize doing what you know is right to maintain inner peace. Alliances formed out of convenience may appear collaborative, but they will crumble under pressure.

Collusive and combative alliances

A collusive alliance is a bad-faith deal that lets both of you avoid your responsibilities: "I won't point out your shortcomings if you overlook mine." A combative alliance is an agreement to fight instead of facing the hard issues. In a combative alliance, arguing isn't a breakdown of the relationship. It is the relationship. Couples can slide from one to the other quickly: first appeasing each other to avoid change, then picking a fight to change the subject.

Offering a collaborative alliance on your own

You don't need your partner to go first. Because your responsibilities in a collaborative alliance are unilateral, you can offer one even when your partner isn't. Focus on what needs to be done instead of on blame. Be honest even when you're afraid of how your partner will react. Look at your own part first. When your partner drops their end, stay grounded instead of dropping yours. That isn't being a doormat. It's leading by example.