What does Emotional Abuse look like?

Emotional abuse is intentional.

When we hurt each other's feelings, we're usually doing it on purpose.

If I crash my car three times a week, you’re not going to call it an accident.

And if I hurt my wife's feelings three times a week, that's also not an accident.

In adult relationships, each person is responsible for their own feelings and their own behavior.

So if I hurt my wife's feelings, I'm not responsible for how she feels. But I am responsible for what I did. That's why it's so important to understand the intention behind the behavior.

Why it isn't an accident

Even therapists talk about impact versus intention. In reality, the emotional impact you had is probably the emotional impact you wanted to have. People are really good at predicting the emotional impact of their words and actions. If you've lived with someone for many years, you have a really good idea of how they're going to feel when you say or do a certain thing.

It's organized behavior, not accidental behavior. You might think of hurting someone on purpose as something only bad people do, but in reality, everybody does. You can learn not to do it, but you have to start by realizing that you're doing it on purpose.

If you consistently think you hurt your partner's feelings by accident, you probably also think your parents didn't intend to hurt you when they were mean to you. Every child's brain is designed to see their parents as more benevolent and innocent than they really are. If you go back to the visual evidence from your childhood, you will eventually see that your parents knew about the impact they were having on you and did what they did anyway. This is, unfortunately, a normal part of childhood for most of us.

When your parents were angry at you, they probably tried to make it seem like you were being a bad kid and they were just trying to be good parents. In reality, you were probably a normal kid and they were normal parents. Normal kids are a lot more innocent than normal parents, because parents are old enough to be responsible for their behavior, and kids usually learn unhealthy patterns from their parents.

Ichiro Kishimi tells a story about a mother who is berating her child for getting in a fight at school. In the middle of her angry lecture, the school principal calls to discuss the incident. She instantly lets go of her angry tone and talks to the principal with respect and appreciation. She was choosing to use anger to punish her child. To her, it probably didn't feel that way. It probably felt like she was just responding to her emotions. But as soon as the context changed, her emotional expression changed too. Before she can change her behavior, she has to see that it's intentional, not accidental.

Here's how I help couples end emotional abuse:

Let go of false innocence. When you hurt your partner, you're probably doing it on purpose. You won't be able to change anything until you acknowledge the intentionality of your behavior. Pause before you speak to determine the emotional impact you are about to have.
Learn to see your partner clearly. Yes, they're hurting you on purpose. Try to figure out why. What did they get from it? How is it protective to them? Try to see your partner as a person, not just as an abuser.
Do your family history. The abusive patterns that show up in your marriage have probably been in your family for several generations. When you can see these patterns in your parents and grandparents, it makes them easier to deal with in yourself. You don't get to choose the environment your brain is trained in, and your partner doesn't either.
Offer yourself warm acceptance. There's a part of you that is capable of deep, compassionate love and acceptance. There's another part of you that craves the warm acceptance of being good enough. When you feel your inner critic rise up, see if you can envelop it in the arms of your love. Don't try to make it go away. Just offer it a warm embrace.
Find a way to be okay. Ask yourself this question: will I find a way to be okay if my partner doesn't change? The answer to that question needs to be yes, because you are the one who's responsible for making sure that you're okay. Don't make your partner responsible for your okayness.
Focus on how you impact your partner. Since you're going to be okay, you can safely focus your attention on how you impact your partner instead of focusing on how they impact you. Instinctively, your brain will want to focus on your partner's impact on you. But that doesn't get you anywhere. Shift your focus to how you impact your partner because that's what you can change. You have more power than you know.
Hold yourself to the same standard you hold your partner to. It's easy to see your partner clearly, and hard to see yourself clearly. Pay attention to the emotional impact you have on your partner and the emotional impact you have on yourself. That's what you can change and that's where your power lies in your relationship.

Abusive relationships don't have to stay that way. A good couples therapist can help you end the cycle once and for all.