Become a better partner if you want to have a better partner.

One of the biggest lies we're told in society is that the key to a good relationship is to find a better partner.

The truth is that you will not be able to have a relationship with a better partner until you become a better partner.

Use the relationship you have to get better at relationships. As you get better at being in a relationship, the relationship you have will improve. If your current relationship ends, you will also be capable of attracting a new partner who is already better at relationships.

You might find yourself attracted to someone who's taller, shorter, richer, or poorer than you. But you will never find yourself deeply attracted to someone who's a lot less mature than you are. You will also never find yourself attracted to someone who's a lot worse at being in a relationship than you are.

So if you want to attract a better partner, become a better partner first.

The 50/50 principle

I've worked with hundreds of couples, and I have yet to meet one where one person was a lot more mature than the other. We tend to be attracted to people who are about as emotionally mature as we are, and once a relationship forms, couples grow or stagnate together.

Most of us think we're more mature than our partners. We're not. You might be immature in different ways, but your total immaturity is about equal to your partner's. It just has a different feel to it.

This is useful because it's easier for me to see my wife's immaturity than my own. When I do see significant immaturity in her, it's worth remembering that I have an equal amount on my side. I'm just not as good at seeing it.