Exercises for Calmer Connection
This is a guest post by relationship coach Cat Roebuck.
These three exercises, developed by sex and relationship therapist Dr. David Schnarch, are designed to help you learn to be physically and emotionally close to your partner without being overwhelmed by anxiety or other difficult emotions. They work best when practiced regularly over time.
Both partners remain clothed in all three exercises. While the skills they help you build make it possible to enjoy more fulfilling sex together, these exercises stand alone. They are not foreplay and following them directly with sex is counterproductive.
Exercise 1: Hugging Until Relaxed
Stand on your own two feet, and put your arms around your partner in a full-body hug.
Don’t lean on your partner physically or emotionally. If you do, and one of you loses balance, you both fall.
As you hug, focus on your own experience, not on calming or comforting your partner or trying to figure out what they’re thinking or feeling. Keep your attention on hanging onto your own sense of self and calming your anxieties. With time, you’ll reach a point where you can really relax while in full physical contact with your partner–even if they aren’t fully relaxed themselves.
In this exercise, there is no genital contact – in fact, there is nothing erotic here at all. It’s about relaxing during physical contact. It needs to be understood that sex is not an option at this point – it is off the table. As such, neither partner will read this as a prelude to sex, nothing more than what it is.
If you need to adjust your position to be more comfortable, feel free to tell your partner that’s what you’re doing and make the change you need to make to feel more physically comfortable. Apart from that, this exercise doesn’t include much talking.
It’s normal for anxieties and questions to come up in your mind. When they do, focus on soothing yourself. The more you are able to comfort and reassure yourself, the safer you make it for your partner to be physically and emotionally close to you.
How long should you hug? When do you stop? What if one person pulls away and the other wants to keep going? What if you’re usually the one initiating the hug?
Don’t try to negotiate answers to these questions with your partner; try to sort out what you respect in yourself, and do that. As difficult as it is to navigate these types of anxieties in a hug, it’s guaranteed to be more difficult to navigate them in sex.
Exercise 2: Heads on Pillows
Lie facing your partner, each with your head on your own pillow. Quiet your mind and heart and look into your partner’s eyes. If you want to include touch in this exercise, you can touch each other on the arm, face, or other non-erotic places. Notice what it feels like to let your partner really see into your heart through your eyes. Notice that you can block them from really seeing you, even while your eyes are open and looking into theirs. Notice whether you can see into their heart through their eyes.
Soothe any self consciousness, awkwardness, or anxiety you feel coming up. Keep your focus on soothing your own emotions in this exercise, not reassuring your partner or trying to get them to reassure you. Be kind to yourself in your self-talk.
Exercise 3: Feeling While Touching
Create a comfortable environment, with relaxing music and dim lights if you wish.
Sitting or lying next to your partner, touch a non-erotic part of their body while both of you mentally follow the point of physical contact between you as it moves. Move slowly. Try slow, deep breathing to see how that impacts your ability to really feel your partner. As you touch your partner, feel into their heart. Touch your partner with the intention of communicating love and gratitude through the quality of your touch.
Feeling while touching can eventually be expanded to include more body parts and less clothing, but it is essential that you expand on it very slowly and deliberately.
