Why Do We Fall in Love with Abusive Partners?

A child’s brain

A child’s brain is predisposed to perceive her parents as trustworthy and good, even when they aren’t. This mind-twisting persists into adulthood, making it hard to perceive cruelty in potential partners before it’s too late.

Consider Jake, a physically attractive young man with a penchant for cruelty. Most women reject Jake quickly because they are disgusted by the cruel way he treats people. Eventually Jake meets Kate, who doesn’t seem bothered by his behavior.

Kate’s father

Kate grew up with a cruel father. As a little girl, her mind learned to perceive his behavior as normal and acceptable. She has been in multiple abusive relationships and can’t tell the difference between a cruel man and a kind man.

Kate will have to reprocess her memories of her father if she wants to become perceptive of cruelty in other men. Kate’s therapist helps her start this process after she recounts something her father did to her:

Therapist: Did your father know you were suffering?
Kate: I’m not sure.
Therapist: If you did that to a little girl, would you know that she was suffering?
Kate: Yes, of course!
Therapist: Did your father know you were suffering?
Kate: (pause) I don’t know. Maybe he did?
Therapist: Was your suffering acceptable to him?
Kate: I… I don’t think so.
Therapist: Could he have stopped your suffering?
Kate: Yes.
Therapist: (pause) Was he OK with you suffering?
Kate: (pause) I guess he was.

Kate had a clear memory of her father’s actions, but not of his internal state. Her little-girl brain had constructed a world where her father was not responsible for his own behavior, didn’t know what he was doing, and was unaware of the consequences of his actions. None of this was true, but it is the way abused children see the world. When Kate reprocessed the memory with her adult brain, she was able to create a clear reconstruction of what role her father had actually played. 

Kate’s twisted perception of her father

Kate’s perception of her father was helpful and necessary in when she was young. Kate had no power to change her father’s behavior, so she took care of herself as well as possible given her situation. She adapted to the world she was living in by imagining that her father didn’t know what he was doing. That adaptation served her well in childhood, but it puts her in danger as an adult.

As Kate untwists her mind, she becomes capable of perceiving cruelty in the men she dates. She starts to pick up on subtle hints, like how he talks about his coworkers, or how he treats people at a restaurant. She replaces her childhood behavioral patterns with new adult skills. She learns to take care of herself by quickly rejecting cruel men.

Further reading

David Schnarch’s book Brain Talk is an excellent resource for learning how to untwist your mind.

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