What I wish I Knew Before Marriage
You’re trying to manage the minds of lots of people, for you to be okay. And that’s a thankless job. It’s exhausting. - Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
Resentful Accommodation is neither kind or loving
I entered my marriage with well-honed ability to accommodate my wife’s preferences. I thought I could use that ability to create a thriving relationship.
I was so wrong.
The more I accommodated my wife, the more I resented her. I tried to hid that resentment, but it still found ways to show itself. I felt like I didn’t have a choice in the way I showed up. I consistently blamed my wife for all of the dysfunction in our relationship, taking no personal responsibility for what was happening. We focused on raising our children, never talking about what was happening between use. We were both anxious around each other, avoided intimate conversation, and didn’t like to be alone together.
After many years of reinforcing this unpleasant pattern, I learned that I was doing something called “resentful accommodation.” I was overtly yielding to my wife’s demands, while internally resenting, resisting, and blaming her. I was pretending to be kind and loving, but on the inside there was neither kindness nor love.
I’ve been unwinding this pattern over the last few years, learning to be honest and courageous in my marriage. I still do lots of nice things for my wife, but I do them of my own accord, and with real love in my heart. My actions are no longer driven by fear of emotional intensity, and my heart is no longer full of resentment.
It has taken me years to make this change, and my wife has made similar changes on her side. As Jennifer would say, we are becoming more capable of love. It’s not an easy thing to do.
Relationships tend to be well-balanced
Romantic relationships almost always happen between two people at similar levels of emotional development. Once the relationship is established, both partners grow or stagnate together. If you think you are significantly more (or less) mature, kind, or loving than your partner, you probably aren’t.
We are blind to our own faults, and sensitive to the faults of others. This makes it look like your partner is the problem, when it’s really a 50/50 split. Your partner probably sees you more accurately than you see yourself, and vice-versa. You need a mirror to see your body, and you need another person to see your soul.
Relationships are hard because what you can see (your partner) is not what you can change (yourself.) The temptation to focus on your partner’s shortcomings (what you can see but can’t change) is the greatest obstacle to relationship repair.
The law of relationship balance means that when one partner grows, the other usually follows. Immaturity in one partner encourages and enables immaturity in the other. We all still get a choice, but the easiest way to grow up is to live with someone who is more grown up than you are.
Personal growth is the only way to improve a relationship.
The best way to help your partner grow is to focus on your own growth. Attempting to change your partner directly is a “shortcut” that doesn’t work, and it distracts you from your own growth. You need to grow out of behaviors and attitudes that enable and support your partner’s immaturity. Identifying and changing those enabling behaviors gets you out of your partner’s way.
Focus on your own growth because that’s where your power lies. Even if you think your partner is responsible for 80% of the difficulty in your relationship, your power still lies in the 20% you can actually change.
Love fuels growth in yourself and others, while resentment encourages stagnation. Love demands honesty, courage, and calm confrontation. Deception and coddling are not love.
Honest confrontation is part of growth. It’s hard to confront your partner, and even harder to confront yourself. Self-confrontation is more powerful than partner-confrontation. Self-confrontation in front of your partner is the fast lane to personal growth.
Differences in desire are normal
There is usually a higher-desire partner (HDP) and lower-desire partner (LDP) for each area of a relationship. It’s common to see an HDP/LDP dynamic in the areas of sex, intimacy, communication, growth, and parenting, among others. It’s rare for one partner to be HDP in all areas.
The LDP has control over the thing they are lower-desire for. The frequency and intensity of sex, intimacy, and communication are determined by the LDP for each. The LDP for staying together determines how long the relationship lasts.
Higher-Desire Partners often use the thing they are higher-desire for as a way to extract validation from the LDP. Lower-desire partners often get a sense of self from resisting the HDP. An HDP who uses sex, communication, touch, or gifts as a source of validation is encouraging the LDP to offer less of those things.
Differences in sexual desire can be resolved if both partners become capable of more generous, giving, and abundant sexuality. This requires both the LDP and HDP to develop stronger, more generous desire. The HDP for sex must confront the urge to use sex as a source of validation, while the LDP confronts the urge to withhold sex as a form of punishment or control. There is often a good reason for the LDP to not want the kind of sex that is being offered.
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