The Childhood Survival Bond
We learn about human relationships in childhood
When we were children, we were vulnerable to being abandoned or overwhelmed. We regulated our emotional state by trying to increase connection with our parents if we felt abandoned, or trying to decrease it if felt overwhelming. Our brains were programmed to maintain a reasonable level of connection with our parents, because we needed it to survive.
Our bodies used intense, unpleasant physical sensations to make us take action in those situations. As adults, we still feel those sensations, especially in relationships. Have you ever felt a tightness in your chest or stomach when you want more (or less) attention from your partner? This physical distress makes sense in a child/parent relationship, where the child needs the parent for survival. It doesn’t make sense in an adult relationship, but it happens anyway. Our bodies are telling us lies.
Childhood instincts drive adult behavior
When you were a child, intense physical sensations led you to seek appropriate levels of parental attention. The child part of your brain still needs that kind of attention, but now it can only come from yourself. The next time you feel emotional distress, try to locate the accompanying physical sensation in your body, and then offer kind, compassionate energy to the part of you that hurts so much. Care for the part of you that feels distressed, just like you would care for a small child, or a small animal, that was suffering.
Put your hands on your heart and whisper “I got you” or “I’m here for you.” When you do this, you are building connections in your brain. The part of your brain that was wired for childhood survival is connecting with the part of your brain that knows how to protect a child. When you create these connections in your brain, you are learning to feel safe in adult relationships.
Notice, Accept, Love
You can think of this as a three-step process: notice, accept, and then love the part of you that hurts the most. As you do this, you will no longer feel the need to take external action in response to these unpleasant sensations. Your body is crying out for parental love, and you are providing that parental love yourself.
It’s easy for a child to be comforted by an adult, because the adult is larger, more powerful, and more mature than the child. It’s harder for an adult to be comforted or reassured by another adult, because the difference in maturity isn’t there. This is one reason you might feel disappointed when you try to get your partner to help you feel safe.
Feel more, do less
If you want your relationship to thrive, take care of your own emotional distress. The tightness you feel in your chest is caused by your childhood survival instincts, not your partner’s behavior. You can handle your distress by just allowing it to be there, without needing to do anything about it. As an adult, you are capable of feeling everything your body needs to feel. You are used to disconnecting from intense emotions because your nervous system couldn’t handle them when you were younger. As an adult, you can learn to just feel everything your body needs to feel. Lean into your discomfort, and allow it to be with you for a while. Open your heart to what you feel, even though it is uncomfortable. Notice that it feels like a survival situation, but it isn’t really, As an adult, you can take care of yourself, both emotionally and physically. You are the one who is here for you.
Mature connection
When you have calmed your body, invite your partner to connect with you as an equal. Most relationships have a dynamic where one partner feels overwhelmed by connection, and the other feels overwhelmed by disconnection. Practice leaning into mature connection by opening your heart to your partner, while you continue to take care of your own body. Practice being truly present with your partner, and pay attention to what comes up in your body when you do that. Learning to participate in mature connection can take years, but it opens up a world of relationship possibilities that are unavailable if we continue to use our childhood relationship management strategies.
