Four Steps to a Better Relationship

Step One: Your Partner Is Not the Source of Your Distress

When you feel abandoned or overwhelmed, you might blame your partner for these feelings and the physical sensations that accompany them. In reality, this distress has more to do with your childhood than with your partner. While your stress is related to your relationship and your partner contributes to your distress, they are not the cause of it, nor will they be the solution. As a child, you had to maintain a close emotional relationship with your parents to survive. That’s why your body experiences so much distress when you feel abandoned or overwhelmed by your partner. These feelings are not an accurate reflection of what it means to be an adult; they are just emotional flashbacks from childhood.

Step Two: Someone Has to Go First in Initiating Relationship Improvement

Because you might feel like your partner is the cause of your problems, your instinct may be to try to manipulate them into initiating change. In reality, both people need to change for the relationship to improve, but one person usually takes the first step, and the other follows. It's uncomfortable to be in a relationship with someone who is a lot more mature than you are, so your partner will likely follow your lead. Most relationships consist of two people who treat each other poorly, so it's essential for you to step up, go first, and start treating your partner better. This doesn't mean coddling; it means being honest, brave, kind, and standing up for what you want in the relationship.

Step Three: Remember That You're Already Safe in Your Relationship

As a child, you relied on parents or other caretakers for physical and emotional safety. As an adult, you are responsible for ensuring your own physical and emotional safety. Most relationships are physically safe, and if you find yourself in one that isn’t, it's your responsibility to do something about that. Adults can't outsource their safety the way children can. Emotional safety in adulthood is about taking good care of yourself. It’s not about trying to control other people. If you’re not safe, then do what you can to create safety in your life. If you are safe, start learning to let go of the illusion of danger that is making it hard for you to love your partner.

Step Four: Remember That You’re Already Free in Your Relationship

The illusion of control is almost as common as the illusion of danger. As a child, you were not free because you had to exist within the constraints imposed by your parents or caregivers. As an adult, this is no longer the case. As with safety, there are some relationships that involve real control and manipulation, but most of us are actually much more free than we think. In an adult relationship, you make all of your own choices, and your partner does the same. If you're blaming someone else for a choice you made, you're failing to acknowledge what’s actually true about your situation.