4 Steps to Better Relationship Communication

Step one: calm down

Anxiety kills relationship communication. When you're anxious, you can't calm down enough to listen to what your partner's saying, because you're too busy thinking about what you want to say next. If you want to have a productive relationship talk, start by taking a few deep breaths, and invite your partner to do the same. If you start to go into fight or flight mode, take a break and continue the conversation once you've calmed down. Calm is contagious, and anxiety is also contagious. The more anxiety you bring into the conversation, the less progress you'll make.

Step two: share your feelings carefully

The best way to share your feelings is by saying three words: I feel ______ (insert feeling word here.) What usually happens instead is a complicated process of trying to make your partner accept responsibility for what you are feeling. If you want to talk about a feeling in the past, you can say "I felt (something) after you did (something)." It's important to not make your partner responsible for what you feel. There is a connection between what your partner does and what you feel, but your feelings are still your responsibility.

Step three: find the truth in what your partner is saying

If you disagree with 90% of your partner's position, the 10% you agree with is the most important part. Your partner knows things about you that you don't know about yourself, so it's important to acknowledge things that you think they are right about. Focus on what you think is true, not what you think is false.

Step four: reveal more, convince less

Revealing yourself to your partner is more effective than trying to convince your partner to see things your way. "This is how I see things, and this is what I want" is always more helpful than "you need to see things how I do, and you need to want what I want." Once you have identified disagreement, accept that the disagreement is real and that it's OK. If you need your partner to agree with you to be OK, you will never be able to enjoy your relationship.