Becoming an Adult in Relationship
This course will help you answer three questions:
Why do I feel so vulnerable and overwhelmed in my relationship?
Why is it so hard to talk to my partner about our relationship?
What does it take to create a thriving, passionate relationship?
Lesson 1: Introduction
Introduction
Imagine a brain divided into two parts: child brain and adult brain
Child brain obsessed with relationships due to childhood needs
Adult brain capable of compassion, courage, and curiosity
What happens in a committed adult relationship when the child brain takes over
Child brain fixated on managing intense emotional relationship
Reminiscent of childhood relationship with parent
Key to a successful, enjoyable adult relationship:
Learning to relax the child brain and let go of controlling behavior in the relationship
Allowing the adult brain to step up and be in charge
Assignment
Write down a memory of a time when you felt a childlike sense of abandonment or overwhelm related to your adult relationship.
Lesson 2: The Child Brain Part 1
The Child Brain
Obsession with relationships
Importance of connection with parents for survival as a child
Adult brain can take care of itself, but child brain doesn't know that
Child brain sees connection with primary attachment figure as life or death
Feeling powerless
Lack of power in parent-child relationship
Child's efforts to manage relationship intensity
Adult approaches romantic relationship from perspective of helpless child
Need for Goldilocks level of engagement
Child brain needs just the right amount of attention and space
Reliance on partner to manage relationship intensity
Obsession with external authority
Child's reliance on parents for guidance and approval
Adult has inner compass and wisdom, but child brain still seeks external validation
Distress when partner disagrees, need for partner to see things their way
Use of intense emotionality for manipulation
Infant's use of crying to get needs met
Adult has better ways to get needs met, but child brain still uses emotionality
Assignment
Describe a memory of feeling overwhelmed in childhood
Describe a memory of feeling neglected, forgotten, or abandoned in childhood
When have you felt similar emotions in your adult relationship?
Lesson 3: Child Brain Part 2
Child Brian Part 2
Physical sensations indicating child brain is in charge:
Tightness, pain, or heaviness in throat, chest, or stomach
Feelings of anxiety, fear, resentment, and anger
Child brain's perception of threats:
Obsessed with survival
Takes over when it detects perceived threats or insecurities
Childhood experiences may lead to hypersensitivity to perceived threats
Additional signals of child brain taking over:
Sense of powerlessness
Feelings of abandonment and loneliness
Need for someone to take care of oneself
Resentment and anger towards others perceived as responsible for one's happiness
Consequences of child brain's perception in long-term relationships:
Belief that partner is responsible for one's unhappiness
Development of deep resentment due to feeling controlled by another person
Feeling helpless in improving one's life
Assignment
What happens in your body when your partner gets upset at you?
When did you feel abandoned as a child? As an adult?
When did you feel overwhelmed as a child? As an adult?
Lesson 4: The Adult Brain
The Adult Brain
Adult brain characteristics:
Calm, secure, powerful, and capable
Reflects adult status and ability to care for oneself
Can handle life's intensity, catastrophes, and unplanned circumstances
Fundamental difference between adult and child:
Adults can care for themselves, while children cannot
Child brain believes it needs someone else to be okay
Adult brain's ability to handle relationships:
Partner not usually a real threat (except in cases of physical violence)
Perceived threats often an echo of childhood rather than reality
Adult brain's capacity for kindness, compassion, and love:
Can step into love even when faced with a partner's criticism or disagreement
Child brain gets defensive and protective, needing positive treatment to respond positively
Psychological flexibility of the adult brain:
Ability to be okay in various situations related to others
Can maintain stability in the face of a partner's emotional dysregulation
Child brain relies on others to provide emotional stability and anchoring
Adult brain can be the rock and anchor for oneself
Assignment
In what area of your life do you feel most competent and in control?
Contrast how you feel in that arena with how you feel in the middle of a relationship argument
If you were able to feel competent and in control in your relationship, how would your behavior change?
Would you be more or less kind to your partner if you felt safe, powerful, and competent in your relationship?
Lesson 5: Moving from Child to Adult Brain
Moving from Child to Adult Brain
Help the child brain relax so the adult brain can take over in adult relationships
Calming down the body
Taking deep breaths to send a message of safety to the brain
Physical response to emotional threats
Similar to response to physical threats (increased heart rate, sweat, muscle tension, shallow breathing)
Deep breathing, closing eyes, and exposing throat indicate absence of physical threat
Physical versus emotional safety
Child relies on parents for emotional safety and regulation
Adult is fundamentally responsible for their own emotional well-being and safety
Constantly relying on partner for emotional regulation can destroy the relationship
Steps to put the adult brain in charge
Notice and accept uncomfortable feelings (tightness, pain, feeling threatened or unsafe)
Reach for the comforting, strong, parental energy within oneself
Offer comfort and protection to the scared, vulnerable part of oneself
Make room for and accept the intensity and discomfort in the body
Writing as a tool to move from child brain to adult brain
Activates the prefrontal cortex and engages the adult brain
Write about worst-case scenarios and how to handle them
Write down dialogues or conversations with partner
Analyze child brain vs. adult brain responses
Imagine how the adult brain would handle the situation differently
Putting the adult brain in charge is an incremental process
Accepting that the child brain runs large parts of behavior and relationships is crucial for improvement
Assignment
Write a short dialogue that accurately records a recent argument with your partner.
Rewrite the same dialogue as it would sound if your adult brain were firmly in charge of your behavior.
Conclusion
Human beings are just barely capable of loving each other enough to create thriving, long-lasting, intimate relationships. If that is what you want in your life, you have to allow your adult brain to be in charge, and that takes a lot of work. I hope you’ll join me on this journey of growth.
Assignment
When do I feel vulnerable and overwhelemed in my relationship?
Why does this happen?
What will I start doing to increase my sense of safety in my relationship?
Ready to Get Started?
Your first session is free and additional sessions cost $250 each. You may be eligible for out-of-network reimbursement from your insurance provider, I can check your out-of-network benefits during our first session.
I offer in-person couples counseling in Roseville and online counseling throughout California. My goal is for you to see immediate improvement in your relationship.