Becoming an Adult in Relationship

This course will help you answer three questions:

  1. Why do I feel so vulnerable and overwhelmed in my relationship?

  2. Why is it so hard to talk to my partner about our relationship?

  3. What does it take to create a thriving, passionate relationship?

Lesson 1: Introduction

Introduction

  • Imagine a brain divided into two parts: child brain and adult brain

    • Child brain obsessed with relationships due to childhood needs

    • Adult brain capable of compassion, courage, and curiosity

  • What happens in a committed adult relationship when the child brain takes over

    • Child brain fixated on managing intense emotional relationship

    • Reminiscent of childhood relationship with parent

  • Key to a successful, enjoyable adult relationship:

    • Learning to relax the child brain and let go of controlling behavior in the relationship

    • Allowing the adult brain to step up and be in charge

Assignment

Write down a memory of a time when you felt a childlike sense of abandonment or overwhelm related to your adult relationship. 

Lesson 2: The Child Brain Part 1

The Child Brain

  • Obsession with relationships

    • Importance of connection with parents for survival as a child

    • Adult brain can take care of itself, but child brain doesn't know that

    • Child brain sees connection with primary attachment figure as life or death

  • Feeling powerless

    • Lack of power in parent-child relationship

    • Child's efforts to manage relationship intensity

    • Adult approaches romantic relationship from perspective of helpless child

  • Need for Goldilocks level of engagement

    • Child brain needs just the right amount of attention and space

    • Reliance on partner to manage relationship intensity

  • Obsession with external authority

    • Child's reliance on parents for guidance and approval

    • Adult has inner compass and wisdom, but child brain still seeks external validation

    • Distress when partner disagrees, need for partner to see things their way

  • Use of intense emotionality for manipulation

    • Infant's use of crying to get needs met

    • Adult has better ways to get needs met, but child brain still uses emotionality

Assignment

  1. Describe a memory of feeling overwhelmed in childhood

  2. Describe a memory of feeling neglected, forgotten, or abandoned in childhood

  3. When have you felt similar emotions in your adult relationship?

Lesson 3: Child Brain Part 2

Child Brian Part 2

  • Physical sensations indicating child brain is in charge:

    • Tightness, pain, or heaviness in throat, chest, or stomach

    • Feelings of anxiety, fear, resentment, and anger

  • Child brain's perception of threats:

    • Obsessed with survival

    • Takes over when it detects perceived threats or insecurities

    • Childhood experiences may lead to hypersensitivity to perceived threats

  • Additional signals of child brain taking over:

    • Sense of powerlessness

    • Feelings of abandonment and loneliness

    • Need for someone to take care of oneself

    • Resentment and anger towards others perceived as responsible for one's happiness

  • Consequences of child brain's perception in long-term relationships:

    • Belief that partner is responsible for one's unhappiness

    • Development of deep resentment due to feeling controlled by another person

    • Feeling helpless in improving one's life

Assignment

  1. What happens in your body when your partner gets upset at you?

  2. When did you feel abandoned as a child? As an adult?

  3. When did you feel overwhelmed as a child? As an adult?

Lesson 4: The Adult Brain

The Adult Brain

  • Adult brain characteristics:

    • Calm, secure, powerful, and capable

    • Reflects adult status and ability to care for oneself

    • Can handle life's intensity, catastrophes, and unplanned circumstances

  • Fundamental difference between adult and child:

    • Adults can care for themselves, while children cannot

    • Child brain believes it needs someone else to be okay

  • Adult brain's ability to handle relationships:

    • Partner not usually a real threat (except in cases of physical violence)

    • Perceived threats often an echo of childhood rather than reality

  • Adult brain's capacity for kindness, compassion, and love:

    • Can step into love even when faced with a partner's criticism or disagreement

    • Child brain gets defensive and protective, needing positive treatment to respond positively

  • Psychological flexibility of the adult brain:

    • Ability to be okay in various situations related to others

    • Can maintain stability in the face of a partner's emotional dysregulation

    • Child brain relies on others to provide emotional stability and anchoring

    • Adult brain can be the rock and anchor for oneself

Assignment

  1. In what area of your life do you feel most competent and in control?

  2. Contrast how you feel in that arena with how you feel in the middle of a relationship argument

  3. If you were able to feel competent and in control in your relationship, how would your behavior change?

  4. Would you be more or less kind to your partner if you felt safe, powerful, and competent in your relationship?

Lesson 5: Moving from Child to Adult Brain

Moving from Child to Adult Brain

  • Help the child brain relax so the adult brain can take over in adult relationships

    • Calming down the body

    • Taking deep breaths to send a message of safety to the brain

  • Physical response to emotional threats

    • Similar to response to physical threats (increased heart rate, sweat, muscle tension, shallow breathing)

    • Deep breathing, closing eyes, and exposing throat indicate absence of physical threat

  • Physical versus emotional safety

    • Child relies on parents for emotional safety and regulation

    • Adult is fundamentally responsible for their own emotional well-being and safety

    • Constantly relying on partner for emotional regulation can destroy the relationship

  • Steps to put the adult brain in charge

    • Notice and accept uncomfortable feelings (tightness, pain, feeling threatened or unsafe)

    • Reach for the comforting, strong, parental energy within oneself

    • Offer comfort and protection to the scared, vulnerable part of oneself

    • Make room for and accept the intensity and discomfort in the body

  • Writing as a tool to move from child brain to adult brain

    • Activates the prefrontal cortex and engages the adult brain

    • Write about worst-case scenarios and how to handle them

    • Write down dialogues or conversations with partner

      • Analyze child brain vs. adult brain responses

      • Imagine how the adult brain would handle the situation differently

  • Putting the adult brain in charge is an incremental process

    • Accepting that the child brain runs large parts of behavior and relationships is crucial for improvement

Assignment 

  1. Write a short dialogue that accurately records a recent argument with your partner.

  2. Rewrite the same dialogue as it would sound if your adult brain were firmly in charge of your behavior. 

Conclusion

Human beings are just barely capable of loving each other enough to create thriving, long-lasting, intimate relationships. If that is what you want in your life, you have to allow your adult brain to be in charge, and that takes a lot of work. I hope you’ll join me on this journey of growth.

Assignment

  1. When do I feel vulnerable and overwhelemed in my relationship?

  2. Why does this happen?

  3. What will I start doing to increase my sense of safety in my relationship?

Ready to Get Started?

Your first session is free and additional sessions cost $250 each. You may be eligible for out-of-network reimbursement from your insurance provider, I can check your out-of-network benefits during our first session.

I offer in-person couples counseling in Roseville and online counseling throughout California. My goal is for you to see immediate improvement in your relationship.