Three Things I learned from Bruce Tift

Bruce Tift’s book Already Free changed the way I think about life, love, and therapy. Bruce describes two paths to learning how to feel free in life:  the path of Western therapy, and the path of Buddhist philosophy. Bruce talks about how he has used ideas from both of those paths to help thousands of clients during his many decades of working as a therapist. I use Tift’s ideas in every therapy session and recommend the book to all of my clients. 

One:  emotional intensity is a leftover from childhood. 

My first operational assignment as an Air Force helicopter pilot was to a nuclear missile base in Montana. Within a few months of arriving at that base I had developed an unhealthy relationship with Captain Bradford (not his real name), one of the senior pilots in the squadron. He would find opportunities to degrade and belittle me, and I lived in constant fear of him. I would feel intense pain in my chest every time I saw his car in the parking lot. My anxiety interfered with my performance as a pilot, leading me to fall behind my peers. 

The emotional distress I experienced was not proportional to the situation I was living in. Captain Bradford’s bullying was actually quite mild, but I experienced it as a very real threat to my survival. The intense physical distress I experienced was a leftover from my childhood, when I depended on my parents for physical and emotional survival. In childhood, emotional intensity reflects how vulnerable and dependent we actually are. I felt just as vulnerable as a 27-year-old military officer because my brain had not learned to let go of the past. 

Two:  Emotional intensity happens in the body

I remember feeling intense pain in my chest when I saw my antagonist’s car in the parking lot, but I immediately interpreted that pain into a story about how he was probably waiting to belittle me in some way. I felt similar pain in my chest if my wife was angry at me, or in any number of situations that involved someone who mattered a lot to me or had authority over me. 

Bruce Tift helped me understand how anxiety and other unpleasant emotions are basically a physical experience. “I have a physical pain in my chest” is the most accurate way to describe what happened to me when I saw Captain Bradford’s car. My instinctive response was to try to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling by distracting myself, dissociating from my physical experience, or indulging in the idea that my physical distress was someone else’s fault. 

Tift recommends the opposite approach:  can you make room for your body to feel what it needs to feel? Can you extend kindness and sweet love to the distress in your body? This practice has transformed the way I interact with anxiety. I often think of my own children, and how I would care for them if they were experiencing similar physical pain. Instead of turning away from them, I would offer them physical and emotional comfort. I try to do the same for the (very young) part of me that experiences physical/emotional pain. 

Three:  Distress is a normal part of life

My physical indications of anxiety decreased significantly after I did EMDR and ART trauma therapy last year. I still feel distress, but it is a tiny fraction of what I used to feel. With Tift’s help, I’ve learned to embrace the emotional intensity that is just a part of who I am. I realize that when I start a new job, argue with my wife, or experience any kind of loss or failure in my life, my body is going to respond in the same way it always does. I will feel some kind of tightness and pain in my chest. In extreme cases I might start to shake physically for a few minutes. I’ve learned to greet these experiences like an old friend, knowing they don’t actually pose any threat to my wellbeing. My emotional intensity comes and goes, and life goes on. It’s part of what makes life a rich, interesting experience. I don’t feel the need to dissociate, distract, or remove myself from those feelings anymore. 

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