What Drives Low Self-Esteem?
Reason #1: because you’re human
We live in a culture that expects everyone to have “healthy self-esteem,” but in reality, self-esteem (or self-respect, as I prefer to call it) is something we develop, not something that comes naturally. As a rule, children are not really capable of self-esteem. Instead, they harvest their sense of self-worth from those around them. Children who grow up in a validating, supportive loving atmosphere tend to see themselves compassionately. Children who grow up surrounded by criticism, neglect, or abuse often see themselves in a negative light. Children are external references, meaning their self-respect is extracted from others. As we grow into adulthood external referencing becomes deeply unsatisfying to us and we have to make the shift to internal referencing. It’s much easier to reach physical adulthood than it is to reach emotional adulthood.
Reason #2: because you’re working on it
Self-respect is something we build, not something we are born with. As an adult, you are probably already building your self-respect by becoming the kind of person you want to be, and avoiding the temptation of trying to become the kind of person someone else wants you to be. This process is much more a journey than a destination. In our early years our self-esteem is necessarily based on what others think of us. As we age, we find a way to fit into societal structures: school, church, work, family. These structures offer us validation, but even this is only a temporary solution. As we enter the second half of life, our ability to derive satisfaction from meeting the expectations of others diminishes rapidly. When you meet an older person, you can tell instantly whether they have moved on from trying to meet the expectations of others. If they have, they carry a quiet sense of satisfaction. If not, they seem constantly on edge, always searching for that next hit of external validation.
Reason # 3: you lack courage
Courage was once considered the most important virtue, but that attitude is rare in modern society. Instead, we normalize adults shrinking in fear of the most mundane threats. Self-respect and courage are deeply linked. To be clear, courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to take right action despite fear. In other words, courage is the ability to act in accordance with your values even when you are experiencing emotional distress.
The practice of somatic acceptance can help increase courage. Underneath each emotion there is a physical sensation. “Dark” emotions like shame, embarrassment, and fear have unpleasant sensations associated with them. Cowardly actions are usually taken to get rid of these unpleasant sensations. Somatic acceptance is the practice of noticing an unpleasant sensation, making room for it in the body, and then allowing it to stay. Every time you do this, your estimation of your ability to feel intense things increases, and eventually you realize that as an adult, you are actually capable of feeling all of the intensity that your body might throw at you.
Reason #4: you’re trying to extract it from others
We talked about this a bit in the first section, but it’s worth revisiting here. Most of the ways we go about extracting validation from others involve some kind of deception, trickery, or manipulation. All of those behavioral patterns lead to lower self-esteem. There is a pattern that looks like this:
Deception drives external referencing and external referencing drives deception, creating a vicious cycle:
You deceive others to extract validation from them
Deception decreases self-respect
Decreased self-respect increases your need for external validation
Rinse and repeat
Honesty drives internal referencing and internal referencing drives honesty, creating a virtuous cycle:
You present yourself honestly to others, even if it’s not pretty
Honesty increases self-respect
Increased self-respect decreases your need for external validation
Rinse and repeat
In the end, everyone has to earn their own self-respect. There is a common cultural understanding that you can learn to like yourself, but that’s only true to the extent that you are living in a way that you respect. We can fool some people some of the time, but we can’t ever really fool ourselves.
